Rambling

I did manage to rest on the weekend. I watched a dumb movie with Jennifer Aniston in it. I also watched Brokeback Mountain which was excellent and it made me cry.
My back was almost better but when I arrived home and so I decided to unload the car of not very heavy things (washing basket, bag, doona, etc) and hurt my back again. I went back to the pain I had before I went away.
Yesterday at work was very difficult and there was lots of things that I usually do with the kids that I couldn't do such as the constant bobbing up and down to work with children, P.E and our afternoon yoga session.
When I got home Action man convinced me that going swimming would help so I went for a gentle swim for about 45 mins. I felt no pain in the water. It was wonderful. Last night however, the pain was worse than ever and I was freaking out.
Today it is nearly gone!! Must be the swim. I feel almost normal!

7 days until the ultrasound to reveal non or viable pregnancy. I am starting to get a bit freaked out now. I heard of someone who just had their 6 week scan (was on IVF) only to discover that the embryo had implanted but had not survived. I guess this is fairly common. Bloody devastating though.
I will be 6 weeks on Thursday which is my birthday. I am very happy to be believing that I am pregnant for my birthday. My 31st, 32nd and 33rd were all sad markers of time spent trying to conceive and time spent grieving. I was not looking forward to my birthday this year either but now I am, and that is quite a special thing.
The scan is 5 days after my birthday so if it all goes pear shaped at least I can say I was pregnant for my birthday.
Of course I wouldn't say any of this to my fertile friends because they might think I was being a Negative Nancy or an Ungrateful Ursula. I can't expect them to understand that as much as I try to be positive and calm about this working for us I can't help feeling that gloom and grief are just around the corner. Gosh I hope they are not around the corner but sadly it wouldn't surprise me if they were.
Sorry for moaning.
It's going to be O.K.

Pain relief

I am going away again to stay with Action man while he works. This is the last weekend he has to go away for a while. I like staying at the Ambulance House. It's very restful and I can sloth about watching DVD's. This is a good thing (and quite rare for me) as I have an awful back at the moment. My osteopath said that my back injury (which I got on the day I got my blood test) may have been caused by the stress my body was in in the week leading up to the result. Some kind of simple movement caused a muscle knot to occur. There was not much he could do due to the early pregnancy factor but he did put me on to this interesting site about healing pain and various other ailments through emotional freedom and positive thought. He said it might pay for me to work on the negative feelings that I have about my uterus (not doing it's thing previously and getting all those fibroids and endo and stuff). So I have printed it out (mammoth) to read over the weekend.
Perhaps I will make myself pain free as well a shiny, happy uterus!
I was happy to feel a little bit queasy this afternoon. I never thought feeling sick would make me feel so good!

This is how I feel:

I have known that I am pregnant for 5 days and here are 5 things I am feeling:

1. Glad- not to be planning (stressing) what to do if the next cycle doesn't work.
2. Strange- not to be thinking about dates to start taking drugs and planning it around events in my life.
3. Content- when I believe this could be the end of one big struggle.
4. Scared- when I worry that other new struggles could come my way (I think I have been programmed now to believe I will struggle).
5. Amazed - that I finally feel entitled to dare open the pages of a pregnancy book to learn about the development of my baby.

My friend Jude often talks about living in the now, forgetting the troubles of the past and not being controlled by the worries of the future. Jude said right NOW is the best time for me to focus on the NOW. I think she could be spot on and that is what I am going to try my very best to do!

Quiety quietly

I'm at my Mum and Dad's house having a very quiet little celebration so I'm using their computer. Mum is blabbing in my ear so I will be fast!
Action man and I are feeling very pleased with ourselves and fairly calm today but we are also aware of the fragility of the tiny life forming inside me. We have seen a bit of sadness amongst our friends and have read of stuggle in blog world so the last thing we want to do is assume we have this 'in the bag'.
Yesterday we told a few people our great news and it was such a joyful experience. We told some family and some close friends who have been with us all the way on this journey, who have dished out 1000 hugs and mopped up lake fulls of tears, but most importantly have always encouraged us to keep going. We feel that our story belongs almost as much to these people as it does to us. Other than telling these people we intend to keep our news quiet for a long time.

Unfortunately I need to write this bit on my blog and I must admit I find it sad to have to do so. For a long time now Action man and I have known that somebody who we know personally has been reading this blog. I won't go into how we know. It's quite disappointing that this person barely says hello to us when she sees us but feels it necessary to follow the details of our struggle in such a sneaky way. When all is said and done there have been bigger things to worry about and I really don't have control over who reads this which is on a public space anyway. But it is a shame that she does read it. This person isn't someone we would be telling of our pregnancy just yet.
Action Man and I both wish her up and coming birth of her baby girl to be a safe and happy event, but, we also hope that she honours our desire to keep this wonderful news of ours to herself because to us it is very special and very sacred.

BINGO!

Yes! Yes! Yes! I have a small dose of that p word!
It was a debarcle. My clinic rang at lunch time. The office staff were out so someone else answered the phone on a hand held. She couldn't find me for ages but when she did we were OUT OF RANGE and I could hear my nice nursie trying to tell me the news but everything was crackling. So I ran to the office where the phone came from and shut the door. The nurse said "geez, are you ready yet cause I really want to tell you". The rest is a blur! I do remember that my beta thing is 172. I know nothing about betas, my nurse said it was medium. I spose thats o.k.
I didn't get any work done for the rest of the day.
Now I am heading out of town for the weekend to stay with Action Man who is working away. He has missed all this stuff so I need to go and give him a big hug.
Thanks for your well wishes chickie babes.
Breathe Betty Breathe!

My heart has been beating a bit too fast in the last 24 hours!
Here's a picture: I'm off for a blood test. EEEEEEEeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Can you see it?

Those freaky pink lines

I am driving myself CRAZY. I did the old pee on a stick before I'm supposed to routine. Yeah I know I'm crazy.
It all started because I had the smallest bit of blood on Sunday. I really thought it was all over but when there was still no more blood on Mon morning I POAS (as any mad woman tortured would do) and lo and behold there was a faint, but very visible pink line. I know I know it could just be the remainder of the hormones and it was just the day my period was due.
So I POAS again yesterday and it was a bit darker. And I got all excited, even though I did lots of bargaining with myself. Boobs very sore.
A.M agreed I should POAS today and nothing has changed. If anything the line is a little lighter that Tuesday but a bit darker than Monday. Boobs are very sore.
I still have today and tomorrow to get through.
You can see I have totally spun myself out and I.DO.NOT.RECOMMEND. POAS.BEFORE.THE.DUE.DATE!!!!

Filling in time

This is where the kitchen is going in the extension. I put the deposit down on the new kitchen on Friday and am feeling really excited about it now, even though it won't be ready until the end of November -ish. That big hole in the wall is for some bifold doors.

Here's how I have spent this weekend ( a mere 2 days of the 2ww). I know I look very tough here with the builder's overalls and the nail gun but the truth is I nearly fall off the scaffold if I use it! My job was to hold planks of facia board while Action Man nailed them. Then I did lots of painting. Since this photo was taken (Saturday) I have painted it all in light coffee. I had a great day helping A.M. I love pottering around outside and being his lacky! Then we have lunch together and sometimes someone drops by for a cuppa. I 'd really love to be at home all the time and not at work!

This is the inside and outside view of the lounge and dining section of the extension. It is all open plan, the kitchen is around the corner (it's an L shape). More bifold doors are going into this big hole.

As you can see there is still so much to do!

Update on the wait: yesterday I did not have sore boobs at all and freaked out but A.M reminded me that it's just the drugs that make my boobs sore and it's not a real indication of anything. Last night I woke up to really really sore boobs and some cramping. Today my boobs have remained sore. There has been no cramping but a there was a small spot of blood and lunch time (none since). Period is due tomorrow.

I think I might be going insane.

7 days down, 7 to go

It's been a busy week of work and I am looking forward to a sleep in tomorrow. I have been so weary since Hector and Thelma went in and my bowels have only just settled down since the debarcle of last week.
The Ben Lomond Decent was fun...and freezing. Action Man came 7th and managed to beat his brother who came 8th. Beating his brother, although in all friendliness, was a huge achievement for him as his brother is one of those natural athlete types who has amazing endurance and is 4 years younger. A.M trained hard and my BIL hardly did any training which just goes to show how hard he is to beat! My Bil was happy to stick with the story that he let Action Man win because it was his birthday. It was so cold on the mountain and I felt fairly sick that day. I think it was the left overs from my turbulent toilet time!

I'm not sure if I am experiencing any symptoms. My boobs are really bloody sore but I imagine it's just from the support drugs. I've been there before. I panic when I poke my boobs and feel nothing and then I'm so relieved when they are sore again. Warped. This 2ww messess with your mind alright. I have been bloated but not so much now. Just crampy and lots of odd little twinges that make me wonder. None of this is any different to any other time. I have no idea how I would feel if I was pregnant. The one and only time I was pregnant I had NO IDEA that I was.

So for now I'm just plodding along trying not to think of the devastation of this not working and trying so hard to be positive.
Come on Hector and Thelma, stay with me pleeeeeaaaaasssseeee (yes I am begging).
By the way; my SIL thought that Hector and Thelma were names that we had really chosen. Ha! And I thought she knew me well. She said that if I am pregnant I will have to use those names because they have good luck...oh dear!

The Lucky Two

Here they are. Hector and Thelma. The only two who made it. A.M's guess was a bit out eh? I must admit to being a little shocked that there were none to freeze but I'm really not complaining, it is such a relief that we had a transfer. I think they look O.K. It's hard to know really because the good Dr.B and his nice nursies seem to always paint a positive picture. According to Dr.B the one at the bottom is the most well developed. The top one is lagging behind.
Only getting two is a shock for me because we rarely lost embryos at the 2 day stage. Perhaps this could be our problem. Maybe our embies do look lovely and strong at 2 days but decline rapidly after that and never make it to bastocyst. This does seem to be a fairly standard result from people I have spoken to, but I'm really not sure.
I have a good feeling about these little fellas.

Now on to something gross.
Last night, as you may be aware I was backed up beyond belief. Well, I think I overdosed on those laxative concoctions. At about 2 a.m I awoke feeling sick. I wrangled and writhed with my insides for an hour. After much grunting and groaning there was some action but it was just little rabbit poo type droppings. Aaah, there was no satisfaction. I fely sick and totally backed up still. 20 mins later the cramping started again...with a vengeance and after a major dizzy spell, serious sweating and some guttural moans I wrangled the remaining beast out.
Then I was left with explosions every 10 mins. All night.
Action Man was a bit supportive. Although he didn't get out of bed he did say "Betty you are doing well" every now and again. Humph.
It was an early start for us to get down to Hobart for our 9 a.m transfer (2 and half hour drive) and the squirts continued until we left. I was so concerned it would continue on the drive and even...at worst...at the clinic. Oh how disgusting that would be.
All was well but tonight I still feel sick. I hope Hector and Thelma are O.K down there.

tomorrow is my darling Action Man's birthday. What might an Action Man be doing on his birthday you may wonder? A triathalon of course. And not just an ordinary civilized triathalon, oh no. Action Man will be completing a 14km mountain bike ride, an 11km white water paddle and a 9km run. He's nuts! Seriously it's a great day and a wonderful thing for him to do with his brother and some mates. I'm happy to stick with the wives doing the support role thing. It's great to watch...and read a few dodgy mags...and do a little gossiping...and eat a bit of trash. Te...he...he...he

There's a rumble in the Jungle

Sheesh girls I'm backed up.
Post pickup has resulted in terrible cramps and bruising, bloat beyond belief and constipation from hell!
Have had 2 lots of laxatives in the last 2 days and tonight I have tried some other stuff recommended from people at work. My tummy is rumbling and gurgling but nothing is happening. This morning I was in so much pain I was on all fours, growling with sweat coming off my forehead. Action Man thought I had lost my marbles! I want it out before the embies go in tomorrow. I think it's coming. Either that or I'll be up all night running to the loo!

Still crossing my fingers for some embies. Please be the right ones for me.
I just found out that two chicks I know have both achieved pregnancy through long battles with IVF. Their babies are due on the same day! It is comforting to know that it's working for someone.

I went to D's house to have afternoon tea with her and B and D's baby S. It was lovely but D told me she ran into an old friend of ours whose wife had just lost their first baby at 20 weeks. God that sucks. I haven't seen them for ages but feel so bad for them. It's not fair. I thought it was a rare thing to happen to folks.
Little Sam took away the blues with his happy gurgling!
I read a great book to my class yesterday. I did what all good teachers should never do...Read a book to a class that you have not read previously. Ooops. This book is called The Short But Very Happy Life Of Riley (cannot remember who wrote it, sorry). It is shortlisted to win the Book Week prize. The message in the book (it's a picture one) is all about the greed of people and that they are always wanting more than they need and are never happy with what they've got. It was comparing people (who are unhappy) with a rat (who is very happy). I was reading along thinking "wow this is a great message but way over these kids (Kindergarten) heads". I chose to perservere.
At the end of the story I threw caution to the wind and asked if anyone knew what message the book was trying to tell us. A little hand shot up and my boy said "it means you get what you get and you don't get upset". I was amazed...And very delighted! A pearl of a moment in the work of a teacher.

Wait for us little embies...your Mum and Dad are coming to get you.

IVF #3

Result=11 eggs (happy with that)
Fertilization=9 (exactly the same as last time)
Now we are onto the blastocyst stage which we have never done before. Tomorrow, which ever ones are still alive will go into some blastocyst culture where they will hang out for the rest of the week. No one will disturb them, will not move them or even look at them under a mircroscope in order to give them the best chance of survival. We have been told to drive to Hobart Saturday for our transfer but they will be unable to tell us if any have survived until we get there. They seem like fragile little buggars. Here comes a week of nail biting! Action Man and I have placed out bets, the wager being washing up for a week! I am thinking 4 will survive. A.M is going for 100%!

Action Man and I had a great weekend. We stayed in a fancy hotel, slept in, lolled around and made love. The highlight however was cooking ourselves a meal in the kitchenette. We have been coping with our makeshift kitchen for so long that it seems normal. To use a stove, sink, fridge and dishwater all in the one room was a novelty of huge proportions!!
The engagement party was fun and it was lovely to catch up with some folks I haven't seen in a while. It's not so much fun being the sober driver at the end of the night, driving drunkards around! Lots of screaming and yelling in the back of my little car but I got them back with a few tight circles in the car park. I stopped when I realised this could result in vomit in my car! Urg!
A.M went bike riding and I went out for arvo tea with my friend A. She took me to the top of Mount Nelson where there is a lovely old cafe. I had never been there. The view was superb and the afternoon tea delightful.
A.m, A and me went to see Pirates of the Caribbean. I just loved the first one. Johnny Depp is a babe of a pirate, he really is. The second one was good but not as good as the first, as sequels tend to be. I still recommend it. Awesome costumes.

I'd be delighted if you could keep your fingers crossed for me!