Baby! Where are you?

Thursday, March 30, 2006

job satisfaction

This week I like my job.
This is strange because I often don't like it.
Now thinking about it there is a connection to be not liking my job and a failed cycle.
Secretly...don't tell anyone, I just want to be a house wife. Nothing makes me happier than swanning around my house, cleaning it, doing stuff and looking after Action man. He loves it when I am home to cook special things and pamper him...and it makes me feel appreciated and proud!
I really am not an ambitious person. I am happy with the simple stuff.
So teaching was meant to be a gap filler...the money spinner and a temporary arrangement until I had a family to keep me home. Sure I love kids and working with their parents is great too but when push comes to shove I could think of a thousand things I would rather do. I would certainly prefer to teach my own kids rather than everybody else's.
Particularly because teaching as a job is such a draining constant never ending task. When a teacher goes home at the end of the day her work is not finished, nor is it finished at the end of the term.
Anyway, the plan was to teach, get my permanency and then take maternity leave.
I suppose that each time we have a failed cycle I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I am still not doing what I really want to do.
I could choose to stay at home anyway, I hear you say, but in reality I know that not working (or not having a good enough reason not to work) would drive me crazy.
This year I have really had a grudge that I remain a teacher and not a mother.

Until this week I have had a chip on my shoulder.
This week I feel lighter and more in control.
On Tuesday I had a great parent information session where I felt knowledgeable, trusted and in control.
I finally have a bit of control over the unruly children I have this year and I am feeling confident with my teaching and the development of my class.
That is for now. One thing I know is that feeling buoyant and in control is not something I can rely on with this topsy turvy emotional life I lead.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Motorbike madness

Last night I went out with my friend Leisa. She is always around to pick up the pieces when my cycle fails. She drinks with me and gives me ciggies which I think I need because I have gone without. I don't actually smoke but I think that after being sooooo good all the time (caffeine free, gluten free, type a diet, no booze) the little rebel in me pops out. I just love that feeling of being naughty!
Anyways Leisa and I went to see the Crusty Demons! Neither of us have any interest in motorbikes or had any real desire to see them but there was a lot of hype surrounding this big event in little Tassie. So we went. And what an amazing time we had. Those crusty demons are so skilled, their stunts took my breath away and made my stomach lurch! The crowed was going wild and the atmosphere was awesome. We both agreed it was money well spent.
We also had fun hiding from our husbands who were there but on a Buck's night. They eventually spotted us and gave us big kisses before running off into the night!
Sadly, I just heard on the news that a semi carrying most of the motorbikes had a terrible crash on the way to Burnie today and the driver was killed. What a terrible blow for the Crusty Demon company.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Hope for healthy tubes

Geez my blogs have been a bit dreary.
I am starting to get my head around the whole laparoscopy thing. Action man is alarmed about the prospect of loosing tubes but I'm trying to make him understand that if they are faulty they are no good to us any way. I'm not great at remembering the details of what Dr.B tells me and Action man, being an Ambo, needs to know the medical ins and outs. I think A.M might need his own phone discussion with the good Dr.B (who I don't feel like yelling at anymore).
Luckily my Lap is booked for the Thursday before Good Friday which of course is a public holiday. Therefore I need only take one day off instead of 2. Phew!
It's no drama to take time off except that I only have a set number of sick days. People accumulate them but I have none accumulated from all of my IF adventures. Once I use them up it's leave with no pay for me. Not such a big deal if it's a day here and there but a bummer if I get really sick.

I just had afternoon tea with three of my girl friends and I told them about the latest in my saga. They were really supportive and thought it is a good idea to find out whats happening in there.
I found out at afternoon tea that a friend of my friend is finally pregnant. She has been IF for 3 years too. She has tried everything under the sun including IVF. Her husband has low sperm count. The latest thing they have been doing is some herb program. It's through a company based in Melbourne. the herbs are something wonderful from south America. They are taken with vodka but the alcohol is boiled out. She has been doing it for 2 months and was told to give it 3 months. It seemed to have worked. Or maybe it was just time. Wow. How exciting for them.
Perhaps I need to get me some of those herbs... If I still have tubes left after the lap.
I've just burnt my pasta (gluten free of course) and its stuck to the bottom of the pot. The house smells now. That's what I get for multi tasking. I am a shocking multi tasker. I often have several things on the go at once and because I'm not focused something usually goes wrong. Sometimes I think I might have ADD because I can never sit still. I find going to the cinema quite hard and meetings very frustrating.
The office lady at work told me that the reason I probably don't put any weight on is because I'm always moving. Even if I'm sitting down my leg is kicking or I'm fiddling with something.
No wonder I get so stressed at times!! Reading that back I sound like an absolute freak. I do hit a wall at about 8.30 p.m and stop completely though!! Then I don't move much at all!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Not so harmonious

Harmony day wasn't a very good idea after all. All around me were families with little children. Happy parents watching in delight as their toddlers and children danced to the African music and belly danced to the Bollywood tunes. Em and I were joined by her playgroup friends and their little ones.
I could not have felt like more of an outsider. Shiny happy people on a delightfully sunny Tasmanian day and I just felt awful. I now know I should have stayed home and let the grief be. Sometimes there is just no stopping IVF from taking over life.
Thankfully I didn't have to go to school today as I had a really interesting proff learning day. I have another one tomorrow. It is hard to face the kids and parents at this end of the cycle sometimes.
Dr.B called tonight. He is recommending a laporoscopy to investigate what is going on in my uterus. He believes there may be blockages in my tubes from the surgery I had to remove the fibroids. I'm terrified of finding out. If my tubes have to be taken I'll be a wreck. It seems so final. Also it means a month of not trying and two more days off work. Is there no end to the bad news for us? I'm not in a happy space at the moment.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Warning...anger and swearing ahead.

Thanks for your encouraging comments. I really appreciate them.
But as for all the lucky signs of mine...they can all get fucked. No luck in that number 7 bullshit. Period arrived today on due day at it's normal 10.00 am time slot. Bitch. Parsley is growing well. Tall and fucking green.
I feel really angry this morning. I have cried a bit out of frustration. I feel like ringing my good doctor and abusing him. I feel like ordering him to find out what the fuck is wrong with this 'healthy, normal" body of mine and to make me a god damm baby.
When I calm down in a few days I might just do a calm and rationale way of course.
I don't know what to do. Neither does Action man.
Am I over reacting?
How many times is a lot? I have had two stimulated and 5 frozen cycles.
I can't hack this anymore but we've got 7 embryos left. Bloody number 7. Perhaps it's an unlucky number for us.
I'm going out today. To Harmony Day (harmony Ha!) to celebrate the diverse range of cultures in our community. I don't feel like it but I'm going. I am not going to wallow in this. Ironically I am going with Em who was there when the embryo went in. Now she'll be with me as it leaves. I hope she'll be o.k. I warned her on the phone this morning. It must be wierd for her as she comforts me with her 1 year old under her arm and a growing child inside her. Takes a marvellous person to cope with that I reckon.

Monday, March 13, 2006

I'm still here (waving arms furiously)

Helloo hellooo hellooo
After whining about not getting comments I haven't managed to write since as I had a major computer melt down. Luckily I have a computer fix it friend who...For a bag of Easter eggs...Has fixed the bloody thing for me. So I am back on track!
Update on latest cycle. Ended up meeting with Mr.Dildohead 3 times, increasing dose of gonal and stretching it all out for another week in order to grow decent sized follicles. Had my transfer last Tuesday. I took my good friend Em with me. Em comes from France and since she has lived in Tas for 2 years but had not yet been to the Hobart. Action Man was unable to come (first time ever) so I took Em for support but also for her first trip to Hobart. Em has a beautiful little girl who is 14 months old. She came too and didn't groan once about the long car journey there or back!
Em and bub came into the procedure room with me and got to see the embryo on the screen before it went in. of course for me it's not as much of a big deal (still a little deal) anymore but it was delightful to receive Em's positive vibes about seeing the beginnings of life in front of our very eyes.
Em also pointed out how amazing it was that it was my 7th transfer, we have 7 embryos left, the embryo that went in had 7 cells and it was the 7th of March! Also I put my money in parking meter number 7. I hope that's a good sign!
There is another good sign about this cycle.
A friend of mine who was IF was given some parsley seeds that had grown for two IF women previously who both produced babies when the parsley grew. My friend also found out she was pregnant when the parsley finally grew. I planted my seeds last SEPTEMBER and they have been stunted little brown curly things in all that time. A few weeks ago Action man moved the pot of parsley as it was in the way of the extension work he is doing. He moved it not far from the original spot which is as equally shady.
Well...that parsley has finally grown! It's green and curly and thriving!!
Every IVF cycle I seem to come up with signs as to why it's going to work. Last time it didn't work I felt I had totally exhausted any repertoire of lucky signs.
This time I have the best one ever!!!

Friday, March 03, 2006

weary ovaries

Since my last post I have had two more follicle tracking scans because the dam things have been very sluggish. Anyhow, there is one follie on the right side, now big enough, so I'm off to the IVF unit on Tuesday to have a frozen transfer.
I don't seem to have as much time to blog anymore, now I am full time again at work and with our house in half due to the extension.
The drop in comments since I changed my home page is telling me that I'm boring or perhaps it's because I'm not finding the time to comment as often.
Anyway, I'm still here, chipping away at this bloody awful infertility thing!