Baby! Where are you?

Thursday, July 27, 2006


My Titties are happy and healthy...Yipee!!! I love my boobies. They are not too small and not too big and are just right for me. Thankgoodness the lefty is O.K. I had my Mamogram today (just in case you are suddenly wondering why I am talking about my boobies) and all is well. The lump is still present, although smaller, but it is a good lump not an evil one. Phew.
The mammo didn't hurt too much. It was uncomfortable just as Cathy said. I did have to hold back some tears as I felt strangely emotional. I thought I would be used to invasive procedures by now.
Thankgoodness that's over and done with.
Boobies are fine, now on to the uterus!
Uterus feels like it is full of a gazillion eggs. I am 8 days into Gonal F shots at 225 units. My uterus feels much fuller than the previous two times. The good Dr.B has put my appointment with Mr.Dildohead forward a day so that he can do it in Hobart. We are heading down for an engagement party anyway. Dildohead Saturday morning and party at night. We need to pack enough clothes to stay on Sunday night too in case pickup is on Monday. I have half prepared relief for my class and have organised my SIL and BIL to feed the dog and cat and chooks!
Well I'm off to have tea with B and T and I may not get back on here until I am home recovering from Pickup.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Rocks and Potholes on a Bumpy Track.

Thank you so much for your comments regarding my last post. I know there are so many people who go through this kind of stuff. When we have bad days, which I was having that day, these feelings can be escalated. I think I made myself come across as a very sad person but I'm not. Well, not all the time!
I'm sad about the relationships that have weakened along the way, but I have always been a loyal soul and change affects me deeply.
I'm sad about not being able to be a mother because I'd be a bloody good one. I'm sad that my husband is not a father because he needs to be.
It's sad that my Mum doesn't get to be the Granny she has aspired to be for so long.
...But, who knows it might happen one day.
Other than that life is good. I really don't think I have isolated people from my life because I have IF issues. I couldn't be any more honest and upfront about my situation. I'm good at judging how much people want or don't want to know!! I have found some people to be fascinated and are always asking how IVF works and how it effects me. I don't mind telling them most of the time. I also don't expect people to sit down and chat about fertility with me. God, how boring to inflict it on someone! The few people who isolate themselves from me are the ones who don't know what to say generally and so avoid me. I have to shrug my shoulders and move on to a certain degree. I can't afford to waste too much energy worrying about what other people think, but every now and again it gets the better of me. That's when the blogging world comes in. I let it out here so I don't inflict ugly thoughts on the people in my day to day world. Sorry bloggy friends!
I sure am sad about my friend not knowing how to talk to me but I'm not going to give up on him. If he can't have a conversation with me then it's a real shame, but I will always try!!
Luckily I have some brilliant friends who are not afraid to deal with feelings on a raw level, who can take the good with the bad. And low and behold some of them have families. I love their children to bits. IF has never been in the way of me loving other people's children. I guess I'd be a fairly shit Kindergarten teacher if that was the case! Can you imagine!
I don't cope with some stuff like baby showers and people comparing baby bumps but who can blame me! I have to allow myself some protection on this journey. But I love babies and toddlers and children who belong to people I love. I gain very rich experiences from spending time with some of those little people and their parents.
And very soon...I'll be witnessing a new precious life coming into the world. What could be a better experience, apart from doing it myself?! IF may have bought me closer to gaining this experience. I know E has asked me to be present at the birth of her child because we share so many of our feelings together and she trusts me implicitly. She also knows I have time to spend with her daughter and that I have earned her trust and love. Perhaps that would not have happened if I had children of my own. I would be too busy dealing with my own brood!
All I know is that I do my very best to cope with grace and with dignity with what can only be described as undignified, disappointing, sad and relentless situation. I get knocked down fairly hard, it hurts terribly but I pick myself up and start again. I am strong and resilient and I am very aware that the encouragement and support I have received from friends and family has gone a long way to helping me continue along on this bumpy old track of mine.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Thick Skin

Thanks guys for your wonderful words of comfort for my friend. I will show them too her. She is amazingly strong! I feel like a bit of a hick for being an IVF mess around her this last year because she is coping with everything really well. I know the two pains are vastly different but I still feel humbled watching her cope.
Yesterday was the service for their little son. I just couldn't go because I had a big thing on at work. Sounds dreadful of me but I also had the afternoon off for a medical reason I'll go into next.
Last night Action man and I went to B and her husband's house to spend some time with them because we couldn't make the service. They showed us so many photos of their little one after his birth and before the service. In his casket they had placed a photo of themselves, a teddy from his Gran and some flowers that had come out in B's garden this week (daffodils, the first sign of spring, the symbolism of this made my eyes water).
We also watched the service which someone had videod for them. Lots of people were crying but B and T were on top of it all. B said it was a really happy day and that she feels wonderful at the moment. I am so pleased that they have found closure in the best way for them selves.

A few days later...(busy with stuff, sorry for the delay). If IVF isn't enough to cope with I have found a lump in my breast. Well Action man did. It was huge when he found it, it made me wonder how I could not have noticed it. Aaaaarrrrhhg. I am not worried about it too much. It has shrunk a bit this week. I had an ultrasound and it's not a cyst so I have to have a mamogram later this week. Hopefully it's nothing major, just a blocked duct or something. My SIL has breast cancer in her family and has to have a yearly ultrasound and mamogram. She said it really hurts. Aarrrgh! It's a just a few appointments I could do without really!
At the moment I am 6 days into a flare cycle. Dr.B is trying a stimulated cycle where the embryos are out of the body for 5 days instead of 2. He said this may weed out some of the weaker ones and then we will have less frozen goes. Yah!
I told Dr.B (who is wonderful, patient, makes time to talk on the phone and the best doctor ever) that he had better pull his finger out and get me pregnant because we don't have much go left in us. He laughed and said he likes it when people get pushy with him but that really he would be disappointed if we gave up before 4 stimulated cycles. We have had 2 stimulated and 9 or so frozen transfers. This one will make 3. I'd be pleased to fit one more in before the end of the year then I wouldn't feel like a looser for giving up. Don't get me wrong, the good Dr.B did say he has no right to judge as he doesn't really know how it feels to go through all of this both emotionally and physically. Geez if he wants to know I could sit him down for a good few hours and tell him!

My husband told me a very sad thing the other day. A good friend was inquiring to our success (or lack of) and asked how I was going. A.M said I was doing O.K but that I was often sad and felt isolated from friends who are having families. Our friend told A.M that he doesn't know what to talk to me about anymore or how to talk to me (I have noticed that he tends to avoid making conversation). A.M told him that I am no different, I just can't have a baby.
It makes me really sad that some people turn their backs on their friends when they need them the most. In the face of tragedy many people don't know what to do or say so they say and do nothing. This is terrible for the person who is already suffering.
I sense this from people a lot and I thought I had developed a thick skin but to hear that my friend, who I have known since I was 17, doesn't know how to talk to me, breaks my heart. I don't want to talk to him about making babies or any of that stuff. I never did before IF. I just want to be treated normally and not like I'm walking around with a sign plastered to my head that reads "infertile looser". It's terrible when your suspicions are actually true. I guess that thick skin of mine will just have to get thicker.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

There goes a little angel

As I wallowed in the grief of another failed cycle my friend B and her husband were dealing with a leak of amniotic fluid. Their 19 week fetus was in great shape but the hole in the sac surrounding it let in an infection and B was induced yesterday. It comes as a terrible shock. The 20 week scan would have been today but instead they are dealing with their loss.
I spent lots of time last night with B and her husband in the delivery room which is especially accustomed for family and friends supporting loved ones in this position. B wanted her friends and family with her. There were 9 females in the room including her mother, 2 sisters, a baby niece and 4 friends. My husband came later. The healing that went on in that room with the laughter and tears was incredible.
It's over now but it goes without saying that the mourning of the loss of their little boy will continue.
Goodbye little fella, your Mum and dad will miss you.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Negative Nancy

I know, I know, I have been very quiet since the piklet post.
I have felt like ingnoring my infertility.
I have been a very negative Nancy.
This Friday I find out about my non natural FET. I do not feel encouraged or positive. People around me are positive for me. My husband thinks that I might as well give up if I'm not being positive. He's probably right but I have no reason to believe this will work. I need an attitude transplant!
I did a stupid thing. I weed on a stick today. The logic behind my actions was rather morbid. I thought a positive result would mean nothing in particular due to the chemical pregnancy factor and that a negative result would soften the blow for Friday. It was negative. Am I on the right track? Action Man thinks it doesn't mean anything. My friend L who did IVF said I should ignore it. I am confused.
I should not have done the test because now I am furious that I cannot even conjure up a chemical pregnancy.
What a depressing post.
There have been good things going on.
Action Man has finished the roof on our extension and now he has begun the cladding. He is recycling weather boards down the side of the house that meets the original weatherboards. He is using brand new ones for the back which will be the most visible. It is looking mighty fine.
As the rain has held Hubby up lately he has also been completing the wall removal inside. I can know fully appreciate the space of my new open plan lounge, dining and kitchen. It is massive.
We are still planning our kitchen, tooing and froing with our decision making on benchtops. Of course cost is a deciding factor as well.
Our two sets of bi folding doors arrive in 4 weeks time and by then the cladding should be just about done.
I marvel at my husband. He is amazing. Apart from quite a bit of help from his Dad on weekends, Action Man has been building the extension solo. He manages to fit it all in on his days off and still manages to keep up his fitness regime with his friends. I get weary just thinking about it all.
I got my dusty bike out of the shed the other day and set out for a ride with my friend B who is 17 weeks pregnant. I was ashamed at the amount of dust that had gathered on my bike which used to be ridden at least once a week. I don't think I have been on it since December! It was unreal to feel the pain in my legs and the chilly wind stinging my face. Sadly it started to rain heavily and B and I had to return to her woodheater to dry our soaking bodies. We vowed to get out there and do a lot more riding but I don't think B will be doing it for too much longer! No excuse for me though!