Thick Skin
Thanks guys for your wonderful words of comfort for my friend. I will show them too her. She is amazingly strong! I feel like a bit of a hick for being an IVF mess around her this last year because she is coping with everything really well. I know the two pains are vastly different but I still feel humbled watching her cope.
Yesterday was the service for their little son. I just couldn't go because I had a big thing on at work. Sounds dreadful of me but I also had the afternoon off for a medical reason I'll go into next.
Last night Action man and I went to B and her husband's house to spend some time with them because we couldn't make the service. They showed us so many photos of their little one after his birth and before the service. In his casket they had placed a photo of themselves, a teddy from his Gran and some flowers that had come out in B's garden this week (daffodils, the first sign of spring, the symbolism of this made my eyes water).
We also watched the service which someone had videod for them. Lots of people were crying but B and T were on top of it all. B said it was a really happy day and that she feels wonderful at the moment. I am so pleased that they have found closure in the best way for them selves.
A few days later...(busy with stuff, sorry for the delay). If IVF isn't enough to cope with I have found a lump in my breast. Well Action man did. It was huge when he found it, it made me wonder how I could not have noticed it. Aaaaarrrrhhg. I am not worried about it too much. It has shrunk a bit this week. I had an ultrasound and it's not a cyst so I have to have a mamogram later this week. Hopefully it's nothing major, just a blocked duct or something. My SIL has breast cancer in her family and has to have a yearly ultrasound and mamogram. She said it really hurts. Aarrrgh! It's a just a few appointments I could do without really!
At the moment I am 6 days into a flare cycle. Dr.B is trying a stimulated cycle where the embryos are out of the body for 5 days instead of 2. He said this may weed out some of the weaker ones and then we will have less frozen goes. Yah!
I told Dr.B (who is wonderful, patient, makes time to talk on the phone and the best doctor ever) that he had better pull his finger out and get me pregnant because we don't have much go left in us. He laughed and said he likes it when people get pushy with him but that really he would be disappointed if we gave up before 4 stimulated cycles. We have had 2 stimulated and 9 or so frozen transfers. This one will make 3. I'd be pleased to fit one more in before the end of the year then I wouldn't feel like a looser for giving up. Don't get me wrong, the good Dr.B did say he has no right to judge as he doesn't really know how it feels to go through all of this both emotionally and physically. Geez if he wants to know I could sit him down for a good few hours and tell him!
My husband told me a very sad thing the other day. A good friend was inquiring to our success (or lack of) and asked how I was going. A.M said I was doing O.K but that I was often sad and felt isolated from friends who are having families. Our friend told A.M that he doesn't know what to talk to me about anymore or how to talk to me (I have noticed that he tends to avoid making conversation). A.M told him that I am no different, I just can't have a baby.
It makes me really sad that some people turn their backs on their friends when they need them the most. In the face of tragedy many people don't know what to do or say so they say and do nothing. This is terrible for the person who is already suffering.
I sense this from people a lot and I thought I had developed a thick skin but to hear that my friend, who I have known since I was 17, doesn't know how to talk to me, breaks my heart. I don't want to talk to him about making babies or any of that stuff. I never did before IF. I just want to be treated normally and not like I'm walking around with a sign plastered to my head that reads "infertile looser". It's terrible when your suspicions are actually true. I guess that thick skin of mine will just have to get thicker.
Yesterday was the service for their little son. I just couldn't go because I had a big thing on at work. Sounds dreadful of me but I also had the afternoon off for a medical reason I'll go into next.
Last night Action man and I went to B and her husband's house to spend some time with them because we couldn't make the service. They showed us so many photos of their little one after his birth and before the service. In his casket they had placed a photo of themselves, a teddy from his Gran and some flowers that had come out in B's garden this week (daffodils, the first sign of spring, the symbolism of this made my eyes water).
We also watched the service which someone had videod for them. Lots of people were crying but B and T were on top of it all. B said it was a really happy day and that she feels wonderful at the moment. I am so pleased that they have found closure in the best way for them selves.
A few days later...(busy with stuff, sorry for the delay). If IVF isn't enough to cope with I have found a lump in my breast. Well Action man did. It was huge when he found it, it made me wonder how I could not have noticed it. Aaaaarrrrhhg. I am not worried about it too much. It has shrunk a bit this week. I had an ultrasound and it's not a cyst so I have to have a mamogram later this week. Hopefully it's nothing major, just a blocked duct or something. My SIL has breast cancer in her family and has to have a yearly ultrasound and mamogram. She said it really hurts. Aarrrgh! It's a just a few appointments I could do without really!
At the moment I am 6 days into a flare cycle. Dr.B is trying a stimulated cycle where the embryos are out of the body for 5 days instead of 2. He said this may weed out some of the weaker ones and then we will have less frozen goes. Yah!
I told Dr.B (who is wonderful, patient, makes time to talk on the phone and the best doctor ever) that he had better pull his finger out and get me pregnant because we don't have much go left in us. He laughed and said he likes it when people get pushy with him but that really he would be disappointed if we gave up before 4 stimulated cycles. We have had 2 stimulated and 9 or so frozen transfers. This one will make 3. I'd be pleased to fit one more in before the end of the year then I wouldn't feel like a looser for giving up. Don't get me wrong, the good Dr.B did say he has no right to judge as he doesn't really know how it feels to go through all of this both emotionally and physically. Geez if he wants to know I could sit him down for a good few hours and tell him!
My husband told me a very sad thing the other day. A good friend was inquiring to our success (or lack of) and asked how I was going. A.M said I was doing O.K but that I was often sad and felt isolated from friends who are having families. Our friend told A.M that he doesn't know what to talk to me about anymore or how to talk to me (I have noticed that he tends to avoid making conversation). A.M told him that I am no different, I just can't have a baby.
It makes me really sad that some people turn their backs on their friends when they need them the most. In the face of tragedy many people don't know what to do or say so they say and do nothing. This is terrible for the person who is already suffering.
I sense this from people a lot and I thought I had developed a thick skin but to hear that my friend, who I have known since I was 17, doesn't know how to talk to me, breaks my heart. I don't want to talk to him about making babies or any of that stuff. I never did before IF. I just want to be treated normally and not like I'm walking around with a sign plastered to my head that reads "infertile looser". It's terrible when your suspicions are actually true. I guess that thick skin of mine will just have to get thicker.
posted by Betty at
6:58 AM
5 Comments:
Betty - This is one I've been copping lately too, the "I don't know how to talk to you." It IS heart-breaking. As if we didn't already have enough to try and deal with, without the sadness of losing important friends.
By
Meg, at 10:41 PM
Oh my... I hope the mammogram goes well. My sister just went through all that.
That is too bad about your friend. I feel like I'm losing some friends, too- but mostly I feel it's my fault- we're losing common ground. I work all day and they take care of their kids all day. We aren't in the same places anymore.
By
Kris, at 5:44 AM
The mammogram is more uncomfortable than painful.
I have cysts so need to have a mammogram every 2 years and an ultrasound every year.
Cathy
By
Cathy, at 9:08 AM
Sometimes people just don't know what to say, as you have expressed about the situations of others here in your blog - that you occassionally feel this way and sometimes may say the wrong thing or something that is inappropriate.
I am sure we have all had times where after saying something, we realise that it wasn't the right thing but how do we take it back or change it?
Maybe your friend is trying to protect himself from doing something like this out of fear of hurting you. How many times have we not been honest when someone has said something that has hurt us, but don't say anything and just expect to move on past it, or we isolate that person from our lives in some way or another which is really punishing them in our own way, because of our own discomfort - how are they to know what they have done wrong if we don't share with them in a caring and loving way?
While his behaviour is hurtful for you, his discomfort about not knowing what to talk to you about is probably hurtful for him too, but then maybe he is just in a different place in his life and feels that he no longer has a great deal in common with you?
You mentioned that you feel isolated from your friends that are having families - maybe they too just don't know how to get around this and how to make you feel comfortable - what to do or say? I have to keep reminding myself that they can't help the situation that they are in, or that you are where you are at in your life, although I'll bet they are saying prayers for your success and hoping that you can experience the joy of being a parent. Have you thought that they may feel just as shut out of your life by the fact that you don't feel comfortable with them either, or that you can't share with them the joy of their families? You have mentioned that you have some good friends with little ones and what a joy this is bringing to your life, but for the others that aren't such good friends - where does this leave them? How many important events in their lives do we miss because it makes us feel our grief even more? Isn't this sad for them too that we can't share this with them? They probably want to talk, cry and share with you, but don't know how....
Sorry for going on a bit - I read your blog as I do many others, but don't comment often and haven't yet had the courage to start my own.
I have dwelled many times on things that family and friends have said to me without meaning to hurt my feelings, or when friends have just not said anything at all and then gradually drifted away, and still wonder what it is that I must have said to hurt them.
Good luck on your journey, Betty. I think that everyone that knows you would wish you well and wish you peaceful thoughts - but sometimes this can only come with us talking and sharing our feelings with those who we feel don't truly understand us. I say all of this as food for thought - not as criticism for a second, because I truly understand how you feel and often wish I had talked more with some of the friends that I have lost over the years. All the best to you and please keep sharing your wonderful blog thoughts. Deepest sympathies to your dear friends on their loss. x
By
dottywesty, at 9:42 AM
It's so difficult sometimes, managing friends. My very closest friend, a friend I've had ever since I was 3 years old, hid her 2nd pregnancy from me. She even gave me a B.S. reason to keep me from attending her father's funeral because she didn't want me to see her pregnant. She was hoping I'd become pregnant before having her baby, but of course it didn't work out that way.
I understand her discomfort, but I'm still pissed off and haven't been able to talk to her again.
On the other hand, a cousin and I miscarried at the same time and she went on to have a successful pregnancy three months later. She has tried very much to keep me included in her life, and I just can't do it.
Infertility is isolating on so many levels. I know many times I am alienating myself, but I've changed. Dramatically.
No words of wisdom to impart on this post -- all of this is just to say, I understand the lonliness. We're all experiencing it -- some of us bring it on ourselves and some of us are victim to friends who don't know what to do for us. It's lonely.
By
Spanglish, at 9:02 AM
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