Thick Skin
Thanks guys for your wonderful words of comfort for my friend. I will show them too her. She is amazingly strong! I feel like a bit of a hick for being an IVF mess around her this last year because she is coping with everything really well. I know the two pains are vastly different but I still feel humbled watching her cope.
Yesterday was the service for their little son. I just couldn't go because I had a big thing on at work. Sounds dreadful of me but I also had the afternoon off for a medical reason I'll go into next.
Last night Action man and I went to B and her husband's house to spend some time with them because we couldn't make the service. They showed us so many photos of their little one after his birth and before the service. In his casket they had placed a photo of themselves, a teddy from his Gran and some flowers that had come out in B's garden this week (daffodils, the first sign of spring, the symbolism of this made my eyes water).
We also watched the service which someone had videod for them. Lots of people were crying but B and T were on top of it all. B said it was a really happy day and that she feels wonderful at the moment. I am so pleased that they have found closure in the best way for them selves.
A few days later...(busy with stuff, sorry for the delay). If IVF isn't enough to cope with I have found a lump in my breast. Well Action man did. It was huge when he found it, it made me wonder how I could not have noticed it. Aaaaarrrrhhg. I am not worried about it too much. It has shrunk a bit this week. I had an ultrasound and it's not a cyst so I have to have a mamogram later this week. Hopefully it's nothing major, just a blocked duct or something. My SIL has breast cancer in her family and has to have a yearly ultrasound and mamogram. She said it really hurts. Aarrrgh! It's a just a few appointments I could do without really!
At the moment I am 6 days into a flare cycle. Dr.B is trying a stimulated cycle where the embryos are out of the body for 5 days instead of 2. He said this may weed out some of the weaker ones and then we will have less frozen goes. Yah!
I told Dr.B (who is wonderful, patient, makes time to talk on the phone and the best doctor ever) that he had better pull his finger out and get me pregnant because we don't have much go left in us. He laughed and said he likes it when people get pushy with him but that really he would be disappointed if we gave up before 4 stimulated cycles. We have had 2 stimulated and 9 or so frozen transfers. This one will make 3. I'd be pleased to fit one more in before the end of the year then I wouldn't feel like a looser for giving up. Don't get me wrong, the good Dr.B did say he has no right to judge as he doesn't really know how it feels to go through all of this both emotionally and physically. Geez if he wants to know I could sit him down for a good few hours and tell him!
My husband told me a very sad thing the other day. A good friend was inquiring to our success (or lack of) and asked how I was going. A.M said I was doing O.K but that I was often sad and felt isolated from friends who are having families. Our friend told A.M that he doesn't know what to talk to me about anymore or how to talk to me (I have noticed that he tends to avoid making conversation). A.M told him that I am no different, I just can't have a baby.
It makes me really sad that some people turn their backs on their friends when they need them the most. In the face of tragedy many people don't know what to do or say so they say and do nothing. This is terrible for the person who is already suffering.
I sense this from people a lot and I thought I had developed a thick skin but to hear that my friend, who I have known since I was 17, doesn't know how to talk to me, breaks my heart. I don't want to talk to him about making babies or any of that stuff. I never did before IF. I just want to be treated normally and not like I'm walking around with a sign plastered to my head that reads "infertile looser". It's terrible when your suspicions are actually true. I guess that thick skin of mine will just have to get thicker.
Yesterday was the service for their little son. I just couldn't go because I had a big thing on at work. Sounds dreadful of me but I also had the afternoon off for a medical reason I'll go into next.
Last night Action man and I went to B and her husband's house to spend some time with them because we couldn't make the service. They showed us so many photos of their little one after his birth and before the service. In his casket they had placed a photo of themselves, a teddy from his Gran and some flowers that had come out in B's garden this week (daffodils, the first sign of spring, the symbolism of this made my eyes water).
We also watched the service which someone had videod for them. Lots of people were crying but B and T were on top of it all. B said it was a really happy day and that she feels wonderful at the moment. I am so pleased that they have found closure in the best way for them selves.
A few days later...(busy with stuff, sorry for the delay). If IVF isn't enough to cope with I have found a lump in my breast. Well Action man did. It was huge when he found it, it made me wonder how I could not have noticed it. Aaaaarrrrhhg. I am not worried about it too much. It has shrunk a bit this week. I had an ultrasound and it's not a cyst so I have to have a mamogram later this week. Hopefully it's nothing major, just a blocked duct or something. My SIL has breast cancer in her family and has to have a yearly ultrasound and mamogram. She said it really hurts. Aarrrgh! It's a just a few appointments I could do without really!
At the moment I am 6 days into a flare cycle. Dr.B is trying a stimulated cycle where the embryos are out of the body for 5 days instead of 2. He said this may weed out some of the weaker ones and then we will have less frozen goes. Yah!
I told Dr.B (who is wonderful, patient, makes time to talk on the phone and the best doctor ever) that he had better pull his finger out and get me pregnant because we don't have much go left in us. He laughed and said he likes it when people get pushy with him but that really he would be disappointed if we gave up before 4 stimulated cycles. We have had 2 stimulated and 9 or so frozen transfers. This one will make 3. I'd be pleased to fit one more in before the end of the year then I wouldn't feel like a looser for giving up. Don't get me wrong, the good Dr.B did say he has no right to judge as he doesn't really know how it feels to go through all of this both emotionally and physically. Geez if he wants to know I could sit him down for a good few hours and tell him!
My husband told me a very sad thing the other day. A good friend was inquiring to our success (or lack of) and asked how I was going. A.M said I was doing O.K but that I was often sad and felt isolated from friends who are having families. Our friend told A.M that he doesn't know what to talk to me about anymore or how to talk to me (I have noticed that he tends to avoid making conversation). A.M told him that I am no different, I just can't have a baby.
It makes me really sad that some people turn their backs on their friends when they need them the most. In the face of tragedy many people don't know what to do or say so they say and do nothing. This is terrible for the person who is already suffering.
I sense this from people a lot and I thought I had developed a thick skin but to hear that my friend, who I have known since I was 17, doesn't know how to talk to me, breaks my heart. I don't want to talk to him about making babies or any of that stuff. I never did before IF. I just want to be treated normally and not like I'm walking around with a sign plastered to my head that reads "infertile looser". It's terrible when your suspicions are actually true. I guess that thick skin of mine will just have to get thicker.
posted by Betty at
6:58 am
4 Comments:
Betty - This is one I've been copping lately too, the "I don't know how to talk to you." It IS heart-breaking. As if we didn't already have enough to try and deal with, without the sadness of losing important friends.
By
Meg, at 10:41 pm
Oh my... I hope the mammogram goes well. My sister just went through all that.
That is too bad about your friend. I feel like I'm losing some friends, too- but mostly I feel it's my fault- we're losing common ground. I work all day and they take care of their kids all day. We aren't in the same places anymore.
By
Kris, at 5:44 am
The mammogram is more uncomfortable than painful.
I have cysts so need to have a mammogram every 2 years and an ultrasound every year.
Cathy
By
Cathy, at 9:08 am
It's so difficult sometimes, managing friends. My very closest friend, a friend I've had ever since I was 3 years old, hid her 2nd pregnancy from me. She even gave me a B.S. reason to keep me from attending her father's funeral because she didn't want me to see her pregnant. She was hoping I'd become pregnant before having her baby, but of course it didn't work out that way.
I understand her discomfort, but I'm still pissed off and haven't been able to talk to her again.
On the other hand, a cousin and I miscarried at the same time and she went on to have a successful pregnancy three months later. She has tried very much to keep me included in her life, and I just can't do it.
Infertility is isolating on so many levels. I know many times I am alienating myself, but I've changed. Dramatically.
No words of wisdom to impart on this post -- all of this is just to say, I understand the lonliness. We're all experiencing it -- some of us bring it on ourselves and some of us are victim to friends who don't know what to do for us. It's lonely.
By
Anonymous, at 9:02 am
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