Baby! Where are you?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


Thalia wanted to know what Piklets are so here is the recipe so you can all whip a batch up. Best to be eaten hot!
This is my friend's recipe for Piklets. She makes them far better than I do. Her's are very fluffy.
I use gluten free flour instead of normal flour which seems to work very well (but maybe that's why mine are not as fluffy!).

1/2 cup milk
1 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
a dash of salt
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon vinegar
1 egg
1 tablespoon melted butter

1. Mix vinegar and milk in a cup. Set aside.
2. Sift flour, baking powder, salt, baking soda, into a bowl. Add sugar.
3. Whisk egg into milk and vinegar. Pour into flour.
4. Beat until smooth. Stir in melted butter.
5. Drop dessert spoonfuls into a heated, butter rubbed pan.
6. Cook until bubbles appear on the top. Flip over and cook the other side.


Saturday, June 17, 2006

Through a child's eyes

I had an afternoon with Lu today. She is the daughter ( 18 months) of my friend E. E has asked me to be present at the birth of the second child to support Lu. It will be a home birth.
Lu and I did some gardening. We pulled the carrots and all of the dead summer plants. Lu took great joy in eating the carrots, dirt and all. I couldn't wash them quick enough. When she spotted a bird fly overhead she called out bird and when my dog told the dogs off next door she said "woof". Lu stayed close by in the garden and mimicked a lot of my actions. She pulled, dug and threw weeds on a pile.
Later we made some piklets for A.M and his Dad who are working on the roof of my extension. Lu helped me mix and when I bought the sultanas out she nearly fell off the chair in excitement. She ate 2 piklets, a handful of sultanas and a pear from my fruit bowl.
Before I took her home we called in at my SIL's house. She lives across the road. My SIL had her SIL visiting and she has a son of the same age. It is delightful to watch two little people communicate and explore their world together. It is very peaceful thing to watch (no fighting!). More sultanas were consumed and I returned the beautiful girl to her Mum who was very grateful for the time off. Lu cried when I left and I have to admit that it made me feel glad to be liked enough to be missed by her. Although I am fully aware that I am easily forgotten as the next interesting thing comes by!

Five Things I am Thankful For Today
  • The great night out I had with my girlfriends last night. We had dinner, went to a movie and finished with hot chocolates.
  • The fact that E has confidence in me to look after her baby. Also that she recognises how important it is for both of us.
  • All of the work my FIL is putting into building our extension. A.M has learnt so much from him and it is quality time to spend together as building is something they both enjoy.
  • That overall (apart from the failed cycle part) I have had a glorious winter break. It has been so nice to not rush around and to spend quality time with important people.
  • My husband who is the greatest man I know.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Mind what you say...

It must be so hard for friends and family members to think of things to say to someone like me. I have not heard from either my Mum or my MIL this time around. Perhaps they are giving me space. They are probably aware of how hard it is for me to tell them that once again there is no grand child.
The lack of success is so darn repetitive and the pain I express can be so dam raw (though I do try to hide it the best that I can ie. people may see only 65% of what I am actually feeling if they are very close to me...or none at all if they are not particularly close- I like to think it's none but I am probably more transparent than I realise).
It seems to me that some people can never get it right no matter what they say. It doesn't help with me being so sensitive.
I'm sure I have said the wrong thing to people in need before. It can be so easily done.
I must admit I am fairly immune to most comments regarding my infertility now but the one comment that I really can't cope with is this:
" You know there is nothing I can say to fix it" (said in a matter of fact tone rather than a wishful thinking one). It has been said to me a few times and it makes me cross. Sensitive little bunny that I am. When someone says that to me it implies that I am expecting them to fix my fertility which is absurd. This in turn makes me feel as though the person who said it thinks that I'm stupid and that makes me seethe inside.
Would I really be going to all the trouble of doing IVF if I thought that fertility could be fixed by what someone said?

I think it is the strangest thing to say. Oh, if only someone could fix this ache in my heart, the yearning in my arms and remove the weight of this suppressive grief. I am paying my doctor a lot of money to do that very thing. He is a skilled and knowledgeable man, but even he can't relieve me. I have a husband who wants a child as much as I do and who loves me to pieces but he cannot say anything to fix me either. Why on earth would I expect anyone else to be able to do it?

On the other hand this comment, although similar, is so much better " I wish there was something I could say/do to fix this for you". It shows empathy.
Oh, the people in my life must feel like getting out their protective clothing and putting up some barriers in case they say the wrong thing. Look what infertility has done to me.

I have been contemplating whether or not to post this stupid entry. It sounds very trivial now I re read it. I've decided to keep it here on the off chance that there is someone out there who can relate to my thoughts. Although, you may all think I've gone potty.

Generally I am quite potty. I've been up and I'm down these last two and and a half days. Yesterday was coping day. I had some plans already made which involved socialising. I really didn't feel like doing them, in fact I was quite happy to lay in bed and stare at the light fitting all day. Action man told me that being so melancholy was going to do me no good and insisted that I went out and about. I did and it was fun and I laughed. Everything felt normal.
Today I was fine until I went into town to do some jobs. There were new borns everywhere and I even stood in a line only to be in the middle of someone announcing her pregnancy to another. I came home feeling hopeless. Action man and I had a talk about where to go to next.
We still have 3 frozen embryos left. We need to use them up so we can have another stimulated cycle. It will be the last one.
Tomorrow I start tablets for another FET. I probably should have a break but I really want to get rid of these embryos. It was a big batch and they have all been good quality but blessed with luck they are not. Poor things, now they are doomed before they defrost. I should mind what I say!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Come back bliss.

Oh Sunnie. I did not fall in the soup. He he he. I'm glad your sunny personality is coming back. You have had a rough time.
I have been absent from this blogspace because I have been a busy little holiday beaver.
It has been a gloriously happy time filled with afternoon teas, morning teas and lunches with the girls. One morning tea lasted until 4.00 p.m. You know you are relaxed when you can do that!
I've been driving my old Morris Minor soft top everywhere because we are taking it off the road next week (it had a 6 month special interest registration on it from our wedding).
I've been in the garden pruning which is something I love. Cutting back all of the dead summer growth gives me so much satisfaction. I like the sense of order that is restored. It calms me and gives me so much pleasure when I look at the result.
I've been cooking and cleaning and looking after my Action man and his Dad who have been busy building my extension. I've enjoyed every moment of being a house wife. It is actually my career of choice but unfortunately the pay is crap!
I've been planning my new kitchen. Nightmare!! Products, price and choice galore. We have been swamped but are now getting somewhere. Agreeing on colour is not something A.M and I are able to do with ease so it looks as though everything will be WHITE. Same old story for all of our renovating (bloody husband and his aesthetic interest clashing with mine).
I have been on standby to care for my neighbours 3 boys as she will be going into labour any day now. I am hoping she has a girl. She doesn't mind what sex it is.
While it is winter here the weather has been cold and crisp but sunny, so there have been lots of walks with friends and their dogs and mine.

I have gone to write on this blog quite a few times but something has usually got in my way. To be really honest I have felt too happy to write. This leaves me feeling worried that perhaps I only write when I am down and that a true indication of who I am is not really portrayed on this blog. I suppose this just highlights that I use blogging as a vent so as not to drain the love of my family, friends and husband with these persistent thoughts, moans, and ponderings. I hope I don't drain my readers. I have been reading the blogs of others though, and apart from Bugsy's fabulous news the rest has been quite sad.

Unfortunately all my happy holiday blissiness has left me today and I join the sad news gang. Hence my desire to vent right here.
My clinic rang with the result of this FET and it was negative.
It's the first time I have received the result this way and I must say it was a shock.
A.M and I were in the car having just returned from whitegood shopping. We were of the impression that we should ring for the result. A.M suggested we have some lunch before we ring which sounded good to me. I did not want to be crying into my toasted sandwich. (yes, I know it was a negative thought but justified I think).
My mobile rang as we pulled into the drive. I saw the number and I grabbed A.M's arm. I was sure it would be good news because they were ringing ME. Instead it was a cold hard slap in the face. My head was spinning and the tears sprouted like water from a leaky pipe. The nurse was very nice but questions were asked of me and I couldn't answer them. I think I was in shock.
A.M and I went inside and I was trembling from the thought that 3 minutes previously I was happy go lucky with a slight air of anxiousness only to be reduced into a trembling mess from a phone call which I was simply not prepared for.
We stood quite still for some time and hugged.
Hunger overcame sadness. We made lunch and needless to say I cried into my toasted sandwich.
So did A.M.
Strangely I feel a bit better already. We went for a walk and talked about our plans (which focus heavily on giving up IVF soon). We talked about the good things we have. I have cried on and off all afternoon but my friend E tells me it's far better for me in the long run to cry it out now. I love her.
We haven't told our folks. Neither of us can be bothered to talk about it anymore. Three of my girlfriends and my beautiful SIL have rung and left messages. We have not picked up the phone since that nasty call. I don't feel rude (normally I would).
It's a failed cycle and that's that. There is nothing much to say about it except that I would like my holiday blissiness to come back.