Baby! Where are you?

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Soup and stuff

I'm cooking tomato and red lentil soup whilst blogging. It's a multitasking challenge.
Busy week was had by me. Easier to use titles!
So I had to travel for this as I couldn't use my regular venue due to the Canberra trip and lack of appointments available. I went the night before as my app. Was at 8.15 in the morning, aaah!
I stayed at a friends house. She was already having a few beverages at the pub when I arrived and there were many text messages from some other friends of ours wondering where I was (running late). I didn't expect so many friends to be there and so one beverage led to another and I was rather merry.
My friend and I got back to her house at 3.30 in the morning. This is not something I cope with well!!
So when I got to the clinic in the wee hours of the morning I was feeling very average.
Dr.B "so Betty how are you today"
Me "Oh not good, I've got a hangover"
DB "Have you taken anything for it"
Me "Nah I don't know where my friend keeps the Panadol and I didn't want to wake her"
DB "Oh we'll sort you out with some of that"
After my scan (lining good, got the go ahead) I went with Sue the nurse to the pan/pill room. While she searched for the panadol she told me to grab a cup and get myself some water, which I did.
She handed me the tablets and walked away but suddenly turned and said "Betty read the side of the cup".
Even though it was a brand new cup I had to get rid of it. What an awful thought.
Sue laughed at me and told me it was no wonder I had to do IVF if I thought drinking it would help. Eeeww.
I enjoyed the humor though. Laughing temporarily cured me of my hangover!
This was a fantastic day and quite an adventure. There was much mingling to do (we knew quite a few people there) and lots of yummy food to eat. The speeches made by the guys who had been stuck in the mine were touching. The P.M's speech was droll but the opposition was very good. John Williamson played Waltzing Matilda and Hey True Blue. We all sang along and it bought a tear to my eye.
Lots of polititians were circulating amongst the crowd. I stood next to John Howard but I didn't feel like chatting to him as I don't agree with his politics. My highlight was a chat and a photo with Peter Garret (ex midnight oil singer now politician-for the readers who are not Australian). Even though I think he has sold out a bit I rather like him, probably more for his music. When Action man and I were 18 or so we broke up for a little while. We got back together at a Midnight Oil concert and played their albums together for years later. We have seen them live a few times and they hold a special spot in the journey of our relationship and of growing up together.
Two lovely day 2 embies. One had grown from a 3 cell to 6. The other a 2 cell to 5. Dr.B Is off on his holiday and he said he wants someone from the clinic to text message him if it's positive. I told him to go away and stop worrying about us ladies for two weeks. Wonderful to know that he cares so much though. Wish I was confident but I feel very baseline about this. Don't want to contemplate the wait although it is 2 days less than usual due to artificial FET cycle. Coping O.K with the pessaries though they make my tummy rather unsettled. Better than being psychotic though. Still it's early days.
I had an email from a colleague today who wished me well for this latest cycle. She said she thinks about me a lot and has noticed that I don't talk about IVF anymore. I really don't. I guess I just want to be normal and not be a lady with a saga. She also said I was very strong and brave and she admires my determination. It was lovely to receive the comment. I'm not sure I could write or speak how much it means to me to know that someone is understanding the effort I am making. It helps to have it recognised. This road can be so lonely at times.
My collegues are very supportive. Even though I don't say much anymore they can probably tell by my face how things are going. They all know when I have a transfer because I have a day off. I'm sure they know when it fails because it is ever so hard to hide red eyes and a puffy face and eyes that water up at the drop of a hat.

2 more days to go until holidays (and as if I should be counting after just having two days off).
Nothing major planned. Another weekend with my friend from the south while Action Man is working night shift. We are off to see a band. Should be great.
A bushwalk with another friend and a few other outings planned. Mostly I will be researching/planning my new kitchen, something I approach with both love (design, dreams etc) and hate (price price price). I will have to learn the art of compromise.
The soup is complete!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

One week later

Right I'm back. I've had my little hissy fit from this failed cycle and it's time to move on. Also I have been busy with those dratted parent teacher interviews. I have been getting home at 7 and 8 p.m this week which doesn't leave much time for blogging.
Thankyou lovely bloggie friends for your supportive comments. I really appreciate them. I also really needed them.
The day after my period I rang the clinic to tell them it was over and also to ask them about the effects of pregnyl on the psyche. Man, I was bad. I was hosestly concerned that I might not have come out of the depression that sat over me. It was truly horrible. It just makes me wonder if some permanent damage could be done. You hear about people who have a disposition to depression or other mental illnesses which can be bought on with the use of illicit drugs. I know fertility drugs are not illicit but they are still mind altering so it just concerns me. Mind you I never had any signs of depression until I became IF. What do other people think about this? Is anyone else having worsening side effects as time goes on?

The good Dr.B and my nice Nursie has suggested an artificial cycle (geez I wasn't aware that the other one was natural) as it tends to be better for some people.
As Dr.B is off on holiday (well deserved but how dare he!) we are trying to squeeze this FET in before he goes. So I have been on Progynova tablets since day 2 of my period.
My scan to check the lining was this Monday but yesterday Action Man received an invitation to go to Canberra and meet the Prime Minister!! There are 800 hundred people from Tasmania who are invited. It's an afternoon tea to thank those involved with the rescue of the two miners stuck under ground in Beaconsfield. Although Action man worked at the site he didn't actually do anything except eat pizza and talk to the relatives!
Anyway, the expectation is that he does attend. He has also been asked to take a partner which is where my scan fits into this story!!
I just knew there was no chance of getting an earlier appointment so I didn't feel hopeful. I left for work complaining to A.M that IVF rules our life and it's not fair that I can't go.
A.m rang to change the appointment (I usually have the scan at a centre in my home town so I don't have to make the long journey to Hobart). As that was no good he rang my nice nursie in Hobart. She told him that under no circumstances was I to miss this and that I could come to Hobart for my scan this weekend.
So A.M rang me at work to let me know it was all o.k. The next hurdle was my boss. I told her the story and that I also possibly needed a day off for a transfer in the same week. She was amazingly supportive and sorted out my leave.
So I'm off to Canberra on Monday to watch my husband shake hands with the Prime Minister and to enjoy a lovely afternoon tea.
A friend from my work will also be there supporting her husband who was invited, as well as A.M's mum who was the nurse who treated the guys when they came out of the mine. It should be a good day.
I haven't caught up with everyone's blogs over the last week but I was thrilled to read Thalia's great news. It' is encouraging to read about people moving on.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

who invited her?

Bloody Aunt Flow. A most unwelcome guest. 2w&2dw over today.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Pregnyl sux

Thanks for your support Kris, Spanglish and Sunnie. Tis nice to know you are there.
I've been in a pregnyl slump from hell. It was quite vile. I felt hopeless and depressed for nearly 5 days..and then just like that boing! I am back to myself again. Gee that stuff is really weird. This is my 8th transfer and I have never felt that bad before.
Had the huge swollen and very sore tummy, ditto for the boobs, but all seems to have returned to normal apart from a slight soreness in the boobs and some consistent twangs in my uterus. Is it a sign? Fuck knows. Still 5 days to go.
My 2ww is actually a 2w and 2 day wait. Seems to be a bit different from all the other 2ww waits I read on other blogs. No Beta tests for me, I have no idea what my hcg (I dunno if thats even right) levels are doing. Don't even know about that doubling numbers thing. I just wait 16 days and if Aunt Flow hasn't arrived I wee on a stick.
Please don't come Aunt flow, you aint welcome.
Action man has been a saint. A very patient saint -mopping up tears, hugging, consoling and listening with interest (I think) to every little body detail that I share. I love him.

Saturday, May 13, 2006


I don't know whats wrong with me.
I feel terrible. Last night I stared crying because I was thinking about my SIL's exciting new job and then that lead on to how everything works out really well for people but not us. (awful thing to think regarding my beautiful SIL who deserves this dream job), I have a dark cloud over me today and I can't seem to shake it.
Today I also had to move the kitchen into our front room because it's time for the old one to come off. I have had a chip on my shoulder all day thinking about how we aways see to take the hard road to our destination. Having to carry the dirty dishes to the laundry to wash up is going to suck no matter how positive I try to be. Action Man tells me it might be like this until January.
I feel like I'm wading through mud up to my knees.
I could cry at a drop of a hat.
I've turned down any offers to play with my friends and I was meant to look after E's baby Lu today but I told her I was too sick. That's kinda true as I have a sore throught and swollen glands but really it's because I don't have any spark today. Just flat, like a pancake.
Maybe it's because of mother's day tomorrow. Urg, I'm not even going to go there.
The first half of the 2ww is over. Here comes the hard part-dodge the doubt, fight the fear and try not to think of the sadness. Gosh that sounds negative but thats how I am feeling today. A.M says I need to think positive for our baby/ies, I have been but not today. It's too hard.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


The boys are out of the mine and looking well I might add. What an emotional day. Bless their families, the miners who worked and worked, the paramedics who kept them going and those two boys for being so positive and strong.

I guess they had a 2 ww as well. A wee bit different to mine but still full of ups and downs!

13 days to go

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Triplets, miners and bad dogs

We traveled to Hobart on Friday night for our transfer on Saturday. We stayed at a friends house and strangely I ended up having a toke on her joint-very out of character for me at this stage in a cycle. Man it was good though, we giggled like maniacs and drove Action man crazy because he didn't have any and so was in a very different space to us.
In the morning I joked to the good DR.B that because we have down sized our car and have knocked the kitchen off our house (due to snail pace extension) we would be likely to have success and it would probably be triplets (2 frozen and one made on our own). Dr.B Was aghast to say the least. I guess it would be very scary.
Just one, I just want one.
I finally got to grill Dr.B about the endo I had removed in April. He said it was quite a lot, more than he had expected. He said I had a very healthy uterus other than that, so much so that it was nearly impossible to tell I had had whopping big fibroids taken out. So that was good news. He still would not commit with an answer regarding endo and it's effect on my fertility.
So we can only hope these embryos or one of them will take.
Hope hope hope.

Still the miners families in Beaconsfield are hoping. Action man went there to work (he's an Ambulance officer) the other day. He was blown away by the media circus that surrounds this disaster, especially by the cut throught tactics that some journo's use. There was a rumour that a $10,000 prize was to be offered to anyone who could sneak photos of the men from the mine.
There is not much rock left but it has to be chipped away by hand because of the very real danger of another rock fall. As close as the men are to being rescued this is the most dangerous part of the rescue.

This morning I have been driving all over the neighborhood looking for my naughty dog Rodger and his mate Trevor. Trevor is B's dog and she left him with us so that she and her husband could go and visit her sister who just had a baby. Trevor and Rodger love each other and are mostly good dogs. Rodger has some bad issues with little dogs-especially if they are on a lead. It's a bit dangerous but we keep him well controlled to avoid any problems. Trevor is happy go lucky but is an escape artist.
This morning the boys disappeared. I think they may have jumped the fence, something that Rodger has never done before.
I drove around and called for them. I was glad it was raining so that no old ladies would be out walking there fluffy little dogs. I rang the RSPCA and also my friend E who lives near the park so that she could watch out for them. Action man and his partner drove around in the Ambulance in between jobs.
I was beside myself but I didn't ring B.
Eventually the RSPCA rang with details of a lady who had just found 2 dogs fitting the description of Rodger and Trevor. I buzzed around to her house to collect 2 very excited, wet and oh so smelly pooches.
They are now chained to Rodger's kennel and I am not thinking of letting them off in the near future!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

all in a rush

I had my scan with Mr.Dildohead today. It was over in 2 mins which has never happened before. Usually there is much poking, prodding and pushing to find all the necessary bits. Surprisingly I had a very thick lining of 12 mm (never been that thick before) and one big egg (21 mm). When I rang the clinic for the game plan everything went into a bit of a spin. My nice nursie said that she was concerned that maybe I was going to ovulate naturally so I was to get myself an ovulation testing kit and test as soon as I got home.
I should have left work earlier...I didn't expect it to be so hard. I tried the supermarket and my local chemist but no luck. Seven chemists later I finally got hold of a set of 5 for $65!!
Thats an excessive amount I know but I grabbed it and raced home. I quickly told Action man about the drama before he went to work (night shift) and he suggested a quick shag before he went just in case I had ovulated. Once that was over and he had left (3 minutes later!) I tested my wee and guess what? It was bloody negative. I hadn't ovulated at all. So then I had to get the bloody trigger injection out of the fridge and race to my mother in law's house (nurse) so that she could give me the injection. (That one looks a bit big for me to give to myself, weak I know).
It's all happening on Saturday. This is the fastest cycle ever, I wonder if the minor surgery I had has anything to do with it. This time we are defrosting two embryos. It's the first time in 7 attempts that we will have put more than one in. I'm fairly excited and feeling quite positive.

Onto other news...

I'd like to pay my respects on this post to the two lads who are stuck beneath the earth in a mine in Beaconsfield in the North of Tasmania (a 45 min drive from where I live). One of the blokes down there was in my year at high school, he has a wife and 3 kids waiting for him to be rescued. For those of you who have not heard, there are two men who have been surviving in the dark under the earth for more than a week after an earth tremor caused a rock fall which trapped them in the metal cage which they were working from. The metal cage is designed to protect them from rock fall as they work the machinery to dig tunnels. Looks like it did it's job. Miners have been digging for days but due to hazardous conditions the progress has been slow. Contact was made with the men 2 nights ago so we know they are alive and a small tunnel was dug through which food and other supplies are being sent. Imagine it. I really hope they will be O.K. Our community waits and waits and each day the people in charge of the digging say it will be another 48 hours. They are doing all they can. It really is amazing that these guys are alive, lets hope they survive.