Baby! Where are you?

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Steep Learning Curves

This post is posted days after I wrote it because there was a bloggy problem!

I am watching the Aria awards and Youth Group are singing 'Forever Young' which always brings tears to my eyes because B and T played it at the service for their little son. Also it's just one of those songs that evokes emotion.

Here are some things no-one told me about being pregnant.
1) When your skin stretches it gets really really really itchy.
2) as do boobs. Itchy boobs are not nice. I have some big scratches on mine. Not from rampant sex but from scratching in the night!
3) That stretching stomach muscles can hurt like hell when just carrying out simple tasks like turning over in bed.
4) That chocolate can give you heart burn :(

Or maybe they just happen to me. Some how I doubt it!
I went to a sale of baby good items in a church hall on the weekend. I went with my friend and her baby girl. It was full of 2nd hand baby furniture, clothing, maternity wear and accessories. The hall was chock-a-block full of pregnant women and women with prams, kids and little babies. I saw one man!
It was an infertile woman's nightmare. I went weak at the knees at the sight of it all. I couldn't believe I was there.
I saw Action Man's nasty, ugly old cousins and they stared at my belly in disbelief. I think we may have forgotten to tell them. Whoops.
I bought some very nice, cheap maternity items but I'm not ready to purchase anything else. Another friend I saw there talked me into buying this travel bottle sterilizer thing for $5. I did because she told me it was invaluable. I dunno, it just looks like a lunch box. I don't know what anything is for. There is so much stuff, SURELY I don't need it! My friend also tried to talk me into buying this huge baby bag with a compartment for everything. I just can't imagine ever needing to take that much stuff anywhere with me. My friends laughed a knowing, wicked laugh to each other.
It was all a bit overwhelming I have to say. It was also a big moment for me! Fancy me being in that kind of environment without wanting to dissolve into tears and run from the room.

I read a couple of blogs tonight and some of the girls are having a really rough time. I just wish this didn't have to happen to people. Struggling to have a baby does horrible things to our confidence and our belief in ourselves as valuable people.....I wish I had a magic wand. If I did I would wave it like crazy.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Embracing the Bump

This is a post some of my bloggy friends may not want to read. I remember only too well reading happy pregnant posts and feeling very sad for myself even though I was happy for my bloggy friends. If you are having a bad day best not read on...or read when you are feeling stronger. I don't mind. I've only just left that place myself.

This week I told some friends that we are pregnant. These girls are ones I walk with and I guess they have given up thinking that I will ever get pregnant although I know they have always wished it for me. We didn't often speak of my situation so it must have come as a shock when I told them I am indeed pregnant. I know it was a shock because they screamed and became teary while squeezing the life out of me with big hugs. It's a nice feeling. Actually it was a bloody awesome feeling!
One of the girls asked if it was o.k if she rang her sister in law to tell her the good news. The SIL is usually on our walk. Later after I was home my friend's brother rang to congratulate us. I couldn't believe how fast the news had spread. I gave it a couple of days but it only took an hour! It was bloody lovely.
This week some parents at my school have started to notice and to ask if I'm pregnant. (lucky I am am or they would be very embarrassed!) I have been trying to hide my bump at work because I'm not really ready to discuss it with parents. This week the bump has been a bit hard to hide and I have had to rush out and buy some bigger tops. Coming out has been O.K, particularly because it seems to be a gradual experience.
Tonight I am going out for tea with a couple of girlfriends and then to see The Devil Wears Prada. I have a new maternity top which is tight and stripy. I thought I might wait a couple of weeks before I wear it but tonight I have decided to embrace the bump. I have always wanted to wear a snug top over my pregnant tummy. A strange desire probably. Now I am finally doing it. Since my bump seems to be a big one at 13 weeks and 5 days I have decided I may as well make the most of it!
Watch out public, here comes my stripy bump!

Friday, October 13, 2006

It's a boy!

But Lu and I missed the birth!! Here's what happened:
Em was in the first stage of labor all day.
Lu and I went to playgroup. It was interesting to be a participant. I vaguely knew a few of the other mothers. It's a Steiner school playgroup so a major part of it is sitting at the table together and sharing fruit and the bread (that somehow I ended up baking!) together. At the table I was asked the question which usually makes me want to run away very fast..."Do you have any children". I was able to say I had one on the way and everyone gushed over me. It was nice but for some reason I still felt like running away.
Hang on, how have I made this post about me?!
Then Lu and I went to the supermarket and came home to my house for lunch. We played a bit and collected snails from the garden. We visited my SIL and then we had a nap. Finally we heard from E and K. Nothing much had changed.
A friend called in and Lu entertained her. She ate lots more food and then Action Man came home from work.
K (Lu's dad) rang at 5.00 and said that the 2nd stage of labor had just begun but because it was going so slowly they had decided not to worry about Lu being there. My instructions were to bathe and feed Lu then bring her down at 7.00 p.m to kiss her mum and dad goodnight and put her to bed. Then I was to join in with the birth!
Lu played with A.M and had her bath and tea so I sent a message to K saying we were ready to come and were they ready for us.
No reply! Aaahhhh!
7.40pm K rang and said "it's a boy, get down here quick!" It seems Em raced through the rest of the birth.
Luckily I live two blocks away from E and K so we arrived in no time.
Lu and I got to see her baby brother as fresh as a daisy still attatched to his mother in the pool. It was amazing to see. K cut the cord and Lu poked her brother while Em delivered the placenta.
The midwives examined the placenta and gave as an educational tour of this most amazing organ. I didn't realize it was so strong. I was amazed.
I felt so honored to be in the room with this new life and with the woman who just delivered him from her belly. I left them to it and went home to bed, but I couldn't sleep because the whole thing had been so exciting.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Two Great Things

Before I start...thanks for the support guys. I'm really sorry if I worried people with my absence.
Number 1: I had the 12 week scan yesterday. We saw our baby swimming around and kicking little arms and legs everywhere! We were so relieved. Everything is in place, size is good and Downe Syndrome risk is low. So now I need to get on with enjoying this pregnancy. Action man is finally talking as though we are really pregnant.
We told the family who used to live next door to us last night. K and B have 4 sons. The 6 year old informed me that I am going to get really fat like this (demonstated) and like I ate too many pies. He'd know I guess since he has 2 younger brothers! K gave me some of her maternity clothes she won't be needing again. Wow. They look a bit foriegn. I can't believe they are for me!

Great News Number 2: Em has gone into labour!!! I am having the day off work. My first task is to take 19 month old Lu to playgroup. Woo hoo! This will be the first time EVER I am going to play group without having to be in charge of it (Something us Kinder teachers have to take).
I'm not really prepared for what will follow today :0
Stay tuned!!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

I'm Back

I'm so sorry I haven't posted. I have been feeling a bit strange about posting and every time I went to do it I just didn't.
The person I wrote about ( not too many blogs ago) who read my blog contacted me and we spoke about it. I didn't feel angry but I did feel sorry that she had to read about me for so long without saying any thing. I've been left feeling like an open book, as though everything I have written is out there in an arena I wasn't prepared for. It has made me reluctant to write. But sod it, here I go!
I have also had a few issues with the remanants of my experiences with IVF. Before I became pregnant I had an appointment booked with a psychologist. I wanted to broach my feelings of inadequacy and how I felt like I didn't fit into my world anymore. The appointment had to be made miles in advance and so by the time it came I was about 7 weeks pregnant. I thought I didn't need to go anymore but then decided to just check myself out and attend anyway. It ended up being an exhausing experience. I basically cried and talked, cried and talked for an hour. The psychologist made lots of connections between things that happened in my childhood and the struggle I had been through. She said I was suffering a kind of post traumatic stress syndrome. I agreed with everything she said. I went away feeling really heavy and in shock because an enormous can of worms had been opened. What followed was 3 miserable days of questioning myself and three sleepless nights of churning over past events. It was all very strange and unexpected. What I learned was that finally getting what I want...Being pregnant...(not yet the child obviously!) didn't automatically turn off those negative thoughts and feelings that had plagued me throughout my infertility journey.
I wondered if I needed to do this to myself...To open up my book of life and analyze it all. I talked to my friend Em about it and she thought it was great and that maybe I could shed some stuff which will make me a happier pregnant person (I'm still expecting it to fail) and a better mum at the end of it. I have 5 more appointments and inbetween I have to keep a record of the times when I feel isolated, inadequate or like a failure. Fun!!!
Anyway I am o.k now and I do seem more calm about being pregnant as I enter my 11th week. I have been to two events that have involved sitting with all the women from my group of friends and all of their babies and have felt quite fine. Although I knew it all along I clearly see that it was me feeling inadequate when I was with them and not them making me feel inadequate. But not having any support from them added to my feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.

IVF brings up such bad memories for me that it's been another reason for my reluctance to blog. Blogging reminds me of what a battle being infertile was and how awful I felt for such a very long time.
I was very close to closing this page but then I read a message from a new reader who found support from reading my entire site. It was then that I realized how much support and comfort I gained from reading other blogs and that in many ways blogging kept me sane. I traveled along with the good and the sad stories of people who were struggling just like me but who also cared about my progress and helped me to continue.
So I'm not closing my blog. I'm going to continue because if I can offer comfort to at least one other person going through infertility issues then that's a pretty fantastic thing.