Baby! Where are you?

Sunday, October 01, 2006

I'm Back

I'm so sorry I haven't posted. I have been feeling a bit strange about posting and every time I went to do it I just didn't.
The person I wrote about ( not too many blogs ago) who read my blog contacted me and we spoke about it. I didn't feel angry but I did feel sorry that she had to read about me for so long without saying any thing. I've been left feeling like an open book, as though everything I have written is out there in an arena I wasn't prepared for. It has made me reluctant to write. But sod it, here I go!
I have also had a few issues with the remanants of my experiences with IVF. Before I became pregnant I had an appointment booked with a psychologist. I wanted to broach my feelings of inadequacy and how I felt like I didn't fit into my world anymore. The appointment had to be made miles in advance and so by the time it came I was about 7 weeks pregnant. I thought I didn't need to go anymore but then decided to just check myself out and attend anyway. It ended up being an exhausing experience. I basically cried and talked, cried and talked for an hour. The psychologist made lots of connections between things that happened in my childhood and the struggle I had been through. She said I was suffering a kind of post traumatic stress syndrome. I agreed with everything she said. I went away feeling really heavy and in shock because an enormous can of worms had been opened. What followed was 3 miserable days of questioning myself and three sleepless nights of churning over past events. It was all very strange and unexpected. What I learned was that finally getting what I want...Being pregnant...(not yet the child obviously!) didn't automatically turn off those negative thoughts and feelings that had plagued me throughout my infertility journey.
I wondered if I needed to do this to myself...To open up my book of life and analyze it all. I talked to my friend Em about it and she thought it was great and that maybe I could shed some stuff which will make me a happier pregnant person (I'm still expecting it to fail) and a better mum at the end of it. I have 5 more appointments and inbetween I have to keep a record of the times when I feel isolated, inadequate or like a failure. Fun!!!
Anyway I am o.k now and I do seem more calm about being pregnant as I enter my 11th week. I have been to two events that have involved sitting with all the women from my group of friends and all of their babies and have felt quite fine. Although I knew it all along I clearly see that it was me feeling inadequate when I was with them and not them making me feel inadequate. But not having any support from them added to my feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.

IVF brings up such bad memories for me that it's been another reason for my reluctance to blog. Blogging reminds me of what a battle being infertile was and how awful I felt for such a very long time.
I was very close to closing this page but then I read a message from a new reader who found support from reading my entire site. It was then that I realized how much support and comfort I gained from reading other blogs and that in many ways blogging kept me sane. I traveled along with the good and the sad stories of people who were struggling just like me but who also cared about my progress and helped me to continue.
So I'm not closing my blog. I'm going to continue because if I can offer comfort to at least one other person going through infertility issues then that's a pretty fantastic thing.

8 Comments:

  • I'm glad you are keeping your blog open. And I'm glad things are progressing well with the pregnancy. I'll still keep checking in, even if you don't post very often. Take care.

    By Blogger Kris, at 11:41 am  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Drew, at 6:25 pm  

  • Betty - I have been thinking about you all that time. I really missed reading you.

    I am heading into my 14th week and there hasn't been an hour that went past without thinking about what exactly happened to me, and why. I tell people I am undeserving. When I hear of friends' pregnancies (and there had been quite a few the last two months), I can't help but think their pregnancies must be more deserving and more `real' than mine because they conceived so much more easily than me.

    I recently resumed posting at an overseas infertility website, I have been a subscriber there for the last four years. I stopped posting early this year because I want a break from talking about IVF and infertility - because I was so dead sick of it. But I resumed posting, because I wanted to encourage my fellow IVF sisters that if can happen to me - then everyone will too. Women are still posting everyday asking other women for `miracle' stories, for the `battler' stories, I hope my story give people some hope - because there had been a few that inspired me in the past.

    Keep blogging Betty. You are beautiful.

    By Blogger Drew, at 6:27 pm  

  • Please do continue. It's important for you and us all.

    By Blogger Em, at 7:47 am  

  • Happy to see your back, i kept checking in and was worried something was awry, glad to see thats not the case. I wouldn't be reading if i didn't think you an inspiration and a wealth of information, that's why i read!

    Anyways, take care and keep us updated, just because your pregnant dose'nt mean your no longer interesting, know what i mean.

    By Blogger Artblog, at 2:26 am  

  • Glad to see your post. That is interesting that your psychologist just mentioned post tramatic stress (PTS) syndrome, because I just recently wondered if a connection had ever been done linking IF treatments and PTS (ironically, I was just going to post on it too). I agree with Em that continuing therapy may be tough emotionally right now, but the best in the long run.

    By Blogger k #2, at 4:10 am  

  • Welcome back and by all means keep your blog going.

    It's not only the support that you give it's also the support the we in blogland can give to you.

    It's all give and take.

    My number at the CWA shop is 37 but I don't have a lot of knit wear in there at the moment as most of it has sold.

    I have a few things hanging around the house though and if you e-mail me through my blog (on my profile page) we can maybe work something out.

    Stay well.

    Cathy

    By Blogger Cathy, at 1:08 pm  

  • Thank goodness you gave us an update, I'm very glad that you're ok. And boy do I understand what it's like to feel exposed because someone is reading your site!

    The therapist sounds good, I do hope that this turns out to be a valuable, if not easy,experience.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 7:31 pm  

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