Baby! Where are you?

Thursday, February 23, 2006

fed up

I've had it with IVF.
It sux.
I went to see Mr. Dildohead today and only one follicle has been stimulated and all it had to show was a single size 11. I've never reacted to Goanl F so poorly before.
So the good Dr.B told me I need to keep taking Gonal and then have another ultrasound on Monday. he was very positive. I told him what my boss said and he was very cross. He told me not to give up and that she has no right to interfere. I'm freaking out about taking time off work, especially after what my boss said to me, so I twisted the arm of the lady on the other end of the phone at my local hospital to fit me in after work on Monday.
It seems to be so hard to get an ultrasound which fits in with my schedule. I'm sick of always fitting in with them. Anyway I got an appointment after school but it stressed me out to be making all these frantic phone calls with kids in the room, which I had to do because everything closes after the kids go home. Dr.B gave me his home fax where the results must be sent immediately and then I am to ring him on his mobile in the evening and he will tell when to take the trigger... or not. There's a chance we could miss it because I can't get an ultrasound on Sunday unless I drive 2 and a half hours to Dr.B personally.
I told Action man whats the use of wasting all that time (5 hours) and petrol money to go to him when it never works anyway.
I'm feeling very shitty today.
We probably should go. We are going camping with friends and I don't want to miss out. I'm weary of changing my plans for all of this.
It doesn't help that my close friend E told me she is pregnant with her 2nd child yesterday. I'm happy for her. It's great. She makes cute babies and is an inspiring mum.
The bit that sucks is that she got pregnant on MY wedding night and after being home with her husband for only a week after being away for 6 weeks. She said it's because she wore the sexy bra she got for Xmas. I've tried sexy bras and they don't make me pregnant.
I must add that E is terrific. She told me about her pregnancy straight away and she's been through all of this with me enough to know how I feel. She's real and human and she lets me be like that to. I'm kind of jealous of her but that's o.k.
Again it just makes me wonder why this isn't working for us and yet it is so terribly simple for so many people. Man loves woman, woman loves man, woman and man make love. Woman gets pregnant. How much more shit do I need to put up with before I have a baby in my arms.
My enthusiasm is waning and sometimes I wonder if I want a baby at all if this is the legnth I have to go to.
I'm not sure how long I can do this for.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Another one bites the dust

Yesterday I wrote a post but I can't find it. Maybe I forgot to click Publish Post.
Anyway, it was all about how I got my period in the end and it was a heavy sore one but I didn't really cry. I usually cry for hours but this time I only had 4 or 5 tears with Action Man. It was so good to wake up the next day without sore eyes and everyone asking me if I was ok or tired. I think I am getting a bit desensitised by this whole she-bang.
Of course I just don't get why this hasn't worked for us. We seem to have nothing in our way and all the right things going for us, yet I have been pregnant once and only once in three years. That was nearly 2 years ago. How can that be?
So I did my pregnancy test today to ensure there is no eptopic pregnancy. It's laughable really. Doing a preg test and then changing a pad.
Then I start Gonal tomorrow.
I think my boss is a bit concerned. I have to have a few hours off next Thurs for a scan and then a day for transfer and the children have only just returned from holidays. I could miss this one since it's the start of the year but then I have to think about my life too. My boss asked me when I thought I might stop all of this. I think she thinks I've done enough. She seems supportive but also a bit miffed that I'm still doing this.
I'm a very outspoken person at work and this year I have decided to keep as quiet as I can so that I keep my boss on my good side...That's where I need her!! Saying that, I also feel bad to be constantly needing time off and I am really hoping that I don't have to do that for too long this year.
IVF is stressful.
But most of you know that.
Righto, better get to work. First day with the kiddies. Aaaahhhhh!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Uh Oh

This morning there was the teeniest bit of blood. Today is day 14 since my last period and day 12 since transfer. Today is early for me for a frozen cycle, I usually go to day 14 after transfer.
There is no more blood now.
And, it's my first day back at work today after 7 weeks holiday. Yes, I'm sure my mind won't be on the job 100%. Lucky it's professional development all day.
I do feel strangely calm. I think it's coming. This is where IVF screws with your mind.
Bloody hell.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Thats just the way it is

Well the holidays are very nearly over. I went into work today as I had to go on an interview panel. Scary stuff. I've never done that before. It occurred to me how much of a difference your decision can make to a person's life. Too much responsibility for me!!
I threw some furniture around in my classroom (carefully though so as to protect Bruce) and put up some posters. I also undid all of the new boxes of art supplies, books, pens and pencils. I love doing this part because I love stationary!
The principal gave me a bottle of wine and a card for coming in in my holidays for the interview. I didn't really have a choice though as she rang me up one evening and said "you are on the panel for the AS2 position". Oh well, lets hope I cannot drink that wine for at least 9 months.

I also visited a friend who lives in the village where I teach and we had a lovely time lolling around and gasbagging. In reality I think I spent more time there than working at school!

Well, I think all will be fine if any of you choose to add me to your link list. The friend in question is very unlikely to lurk around other infertility sites as she is pregnant. After 2 months off the pil. Aaaah. Also another reason why I don't want her reading my blog. I get this feeling that she would be happy to read what I wrote but I know she is reluctant to talk to me. We are going through the 'can't talk to Betty phase because she might not be able to cope with my pregnancy'. God, I've had enough fertile friends to be quite used to that little phase...even though if I am perfectly honest the unfairness of me not getting pregnant hurts like hell. It's doubly unfair that they avoid me. So I am afflicted with both infertility and friends who avoid me! But I am tough enough to cope. If I wasn't tough and decided not to cope with pregnant friends then I would hardly have any friends left! They get over it eventually but I usually have to make the first move, and that sucks.

I wonder if I'm pregnant. That might be the 203rd time I've wondered that today!

Monday, February 06, 2006


Hi. I'm glad you have found me. It's Betty here from Betty's Blues. I've had a little bit of a change of scenery for my blog and this is why.

I made a very bad decision to give my address to a 'sort of friend' who seemed very interested and so at the time it seemed right. The problem was that she started to give me advice and to refer to comments in my blog in person which made me feel really uncomfortable. Also, as blogging is a place to vent and on an infertility blog it is usually quite harrowing, this person began to assume I was always a wreck and I have become the sorrowful friend. Urg.
I found that I was holding back on a lot of stuff I wanted to say, even to the point of not feeling like writing about latest IVF stuff, just because I didn't want her to know. So I just didn't feel like writing at all because I didn't want to be the latest saga for my voyeuristic friend.
My fault entirely so here I am with a title that is perhaps a bit more positive sounding than Betty's Blues, and that's a good thing.

My last post on Betty's Blues was about my wedding to the handsome Action man.
A few days before the wedding we went to see our IVF Dr to regroup about our treatment. So far we are 2 stimulated and 3 frozen cycles down with no success.
I was really feeling like giving up, mostly because the emotional stuff is like torture. Dr.B Told us it is still early days (aaahh) and that if we gave up now he would feel like he has not done his job properly. Then he said that he is almost 100% sure IVF will work for us. Well, Dr.B that's a mighty big call but I hope you are right.
So...I was going to have 2 months off but it ended up only being one. Dr.B gave me a bit more confidence and while it's school holidays we thought it best to have a go.
I had a frozen transfer last Tuesday. It was a 2 day 4 cell embie which grew into an 8 celler over night. The staff were very excited about that and I pretended to be but I really wanted to say "come on guys, cut the enthusiasm we've been down this 8 cell road before" but I was trying to be positive.
We (Dr.B, Action Man, nice nursie and I) all had a bit of a laugh about the name we have given this embie. It's Bruce. Dr.B Suggested Brucine for a girl. Have any of you been in the unusual position of laughing with speculum inserted? Ouch, not a good look. And as the stupid conversation continued I had almost got my self into that dreadful state of uncontrollable laughter which involves tears and a shaking belly. Oh I really had to muster all of my self control to avoid loosing the speculum!
Dr.B completed the session by saying "I think this is going to work I can feel it in my bones". Dr.B I hope you are not raising my hopes too high and I hope you are right!
So now I am 6 days into my 16 day wait. Bloody hell it's a long time, especially when on holidays. I've had a few low days. I guess it's all hormonal. It's weird how the emotional stuff and the depressive stuff just sneak up and grab me any old time of the day. I certainly don't wake up and know that I am about to have a shit day. Mostly I have been fine and I have been keeping myself busy to try and make the time go faster. It doesn't feel like it's going faster though!