week long post

It's a crisp sunny Tasmanian morning.
I have sore shoulders from my three visits to the gym this week! I am certainly reawakening muscles I forgot I had and gee it feels good. I'm going bushwalking tomorrow and I'm a bit concerned about carrying my day pack up the mountain and back! It feels good to be doing active things with my body again. I only hope I can sustain it after my laparoscopy (on Thursday) and when I get back into IVF cycles again. It's probably stupid but I always have this feeling that by minimizing my exercise I might increase the chance of an embryo attatching. It's probably the opposite but I know it will be a big change of mindset for me.

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Oh dear it's taken me a few days to finish this post so I might as well update it.

The bush walk was great. We climbed Mt.Pilinger. It was a clear, sunny day and the mountain was covered in snow. The view was absolutely spectacular and the climbing a bit perilous at times. I certainly felt those above mentioned muscles at the end!

My Laporoscopy is tomorrow and I am feeling very nervous about it. I just don't want to cope with anymore difficult or bad news and I'm so I'm dreading it. I am trying very hard to think of the positive side. That is, maybe I will know what is stopping IVF working for us and maybe it can be fixed.

Thinking about it has rendered me an insomniac lately and so last night, feeling very weary and emotional I had a bit of a sook about it with Action Man. I had just mopped up the last of the tears when the phone rang and it was my very good friend B who had rung to tell me she is pregnant.

The timing was not right at all but I held all sad thoughts within and said all the right things to her. When I got off the phone the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop them. Don't get me wrong I don't begrudge B her pregnancy, I have no place to do that and resenting her for it will not get me anywhere. I just get so frustrated with the ease at which other people's lives seem to go in procreation. It seems that all of my friends make these neat decisions about their lives (like I want to) such as travel, buy a house, get married and then try for a baby straight after. It only took B 2 months to achieve her dream. That is much the same for most people I am friends with. It's bloody frustating (for me not them!). I suppose happy news like that brings on the "why mes".

I can imagine telling me was a difficult thing for B to do. We had talked about it a fair bit before and I fully expected her to get pregnant quickly. B also has to tell her friend who I wrote about 2 or 3 posts ago. She has just lost her baby I think this will be a very hard conversation.

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Well I still haven't posted this entry and here I am on my recovery day from the lap. It went really well. My tubes are good and so is the inside of my uterus. The outside of the ute was covered in a bit of Endo which was removed. There was also an adhesion causing my ute to be attatched to something else and that was removed too. Dr.B Isn't sure if the endo was causing infertility and to tell you the truth I think he might be baffled as to why I am not achieving pregnancy. So I guess I fall back into the unexplained infertility box. Having faced the possibility of loosing my tubes I feel much more relaxed with unexplained infertility as of course my options are not so extreme. There might still be hope of a natural pregnancy one day.

The anesthetic was a bit of a killer. I woke feeling sick, sweaty, dizzy and teary. Dr.B Came to see me twice but I was in a bit of a state each time so I'm fairly embarrassed about that. We drove home from Hobart (2 and a half hours) with me sleeping on the back seat. Poor Action man. It was a long and boring day for him. It must suck to see your wife in pain.

Anyway, I feel o.k today. Sore but in good spirits. D and B are coming over today to entertain me as A.M is at work. Someone left me flowers at my back door and I've talked to my mum on the phone. I have a new book to start today - Watermelon by Marian Keyes and a whole pile of trashy magazines from my MIL.

I am left wondering what is next though. For those of you who know me from Betty's Blues you would know about the laps and surgery for grapefruit sized fibroids. Now endo? Lets hope it's a positive thing growing down there next!

Dr.B said I am to ring the clinic and get back on with IVF next week. No mucking around eh?