Baby! Where are you?

The news and my dream.

2007-09-14T21:25:00.000+09:30

Recently I saw the good doctor on the news. He had attended some sort of IVF seminar and was the spokesperson for the news. The report was highlighting the fact that obesity and smoking are the main reasons that women become infertile. I'm sure the good Dr.B suggested many other contributing factors for infertility but I know how our local news station enjoys scare mongering and laying blame. Sadly, it does nothing to communicate the fact that infertility is a disease that so many women simply have no control over.

Anyway, what I enjoyed about this snippet of news was seeing the good Dr.B himself! Oh how I have missed him! I never thought I would say that...but I do. Such a gentle, wise person...the giver of life to my child...the provider of peace and happiness in my soul. I just happened to be holding baby girl as Dr.B came on the T.V so I pointed him out to her. I said to my girl "look...here's the man who helped to make you". She ogled him with her curious baby eyes and then jerkily turned her face to mine and grinned. I felt glad that she liked him too.

That night I had a very long and drawn out dream which featured the good Dr.B throughout. He was a singer in a band, quite the rock star. Action Man and I had gone to see him at an outdoor concert. Afterwards we went up to him to say hello. He may of recognised us, it was hard to tell. Perhaps he was just being polite. We thanked him for the baby.

Then she woke up and so did I.

Baby Girl is 5 months. She can sit but not roll. She can dribble a lot. She 'talks' a lot and is beginning to tell is in no uncertain terms what she does not like (jumpers being pulled over her head, pumpkin, loosing her dummy at night, lying on her tummy). She seems to like sitting, being carried, socialising, her Granny, her parents, banana, apple, boob, the cats furry long tail, bath time, the buggy and cuddles.

Blessed

2007-08-08T19:57:00.000+09:30

Baby Girl looks wonderful.
We have finally found a suitable treatment for her eczema from a clever skin specialist. We were utterly amazed to see it clear overnight. She now has perfectly normal looking baby skin.
Baby girl has also had a sticky eye for her entire life and this week it stopped being sticky, just like that! So no more green ooze. Yah!
Baby girl has also finally got the hang of sucking and has become a most efficient feeder taking a mere 15 minutes to get the job done. I know this doesn't compare with many babes who can complete a feed in 5 minutes! Up until this week BG has taken 40 minutes to an hour so 15 minutes is dam fine!
I feel so blessed every day to have her in my life.
Everyday there are a hundred smiles. The look of love and delight when she first sees us is at times too much to bear.
I want to bottle every moment because it all passes by so quickly.
My heart melts every time I see her with her doting Dad.
Action man laughs at the amount of photos I take. I don't think a day has gone by where she hasn't been filmed!
On the 31st of July it was a year since her conception in a petri dish. A year, wow. This time last year I was beside myself with frustration and sadness. I had begun to think about facing up to a life without children and I was desperately trying to work out what I was supposed to do with myself in this life. I was the lowest I had ever felt. Everything around me seemed to be in shades of grey. My friend had just lost a baby at 20 weeks gestation. Life seemed very cruel. I didn't know how I was going to get the energy and the hope together to do one more cycle.
But I did and oh how my life has changed.
I hope so much for other women who are struggling to create their family. I really do. The struggle and pain is worth it, honestly :)

...and here's some pictures

2007-07-14T20:34:00.000+09:30

35 weeks
nine days old

a family portrait..Action Man, Baby Girl and Betty

my sleeping beauty

cute as a button (must remember to fold ear into hat!!)

Life With Baby Girl

2007-07-14T14:27:00.000+09:30

I must apologise for not keeping this blog up. I have been overtaken and fully enveloped by love, feeding issues, smiles, washing, dirty nappies, little milestones, chatting with other new mums, catching up on sleep and jobs, playing, tears mine and hers, developing stacks of photos, showing off my lovely love at any opportunity, laughter, feeding and more feeding, reading about babies and learning about sleep. Baby Girl is the love of my life. What a journey...wow!
BG is now 14 weeks old. She sleeps through some nights and wakes once on others. She has 3 to 4 fairly short naps a day (which is a huge improvement from the none she was having prior to 10 weeks!). She is generous with smiles and can almost roll over. I am amazed at her sheer determination to practise this skill after every feed. If we don't put her down she squirms and complains until we do then proceeds to throw her body weight to the side for 15 minutes or so. I think she will get it in the next few days. BG is a very happy baby now that she is contented with her feeds.
At my new mothers group the other day we discussed the gains and losses of becoming a mother. It was great to discuss the negatives as well as the positives because they are there, as with any new experience.
I feel the need to make a list.
Gains
*a beautiful person to love and watch grow and develop,
*pride in being such an important influence in a human's life,
*renewed friendships with friends who have been mothers for a while and whom I felt at odds with when I struggled to get to where I am now.
*A busy social life and new friends! Heaps of them. Through pre- natal groups and new mums groups and friends of friends. With this comes a great sense of belonging and sisterhood as we share what only new mums can share. This is something I longed for and it is as fantastic as I thought!
*A refreshed relationship with my mum and my MIL. Also a different relationship has emerged with the men in my life such as my BIL and FIL who are always calling in for an update and a cuddle from BG.
*The never ending delight of watching BG with her Dad. I see Action Man as a proud, involved, loving dad and he is just as I always imagined him to be.
*A whole heap of new skills such as being able to rock the pram with my foot whilst chopping vegies for dinner! Also a new set of neurosis! Is she putting on enough weight? What can I do about her eczema? Why do her farts stink so bad?
*My overall confidence in myself.
*A heightened sensitivity towards all the little babies who abandoned or treated badly. Tears come easily when these sad stories are reported.
Losses
*Things to talk about to friends without children. BG is a 24 hr preoccupation and so I struggle to think of things which are interesting to offer. Speaking from experience there is a limit to the amount of baby talk that can be tolerated.
*Time for myself, to look after my appearance and my fitness. A sense of time as I knew it prior to BG. All of a sudden my day is broken into compartments of BG awake and BG asleep. When BG is asleep I race around like a lunatic doing housework!
*The feeling that I'm not good enough because of infertility. Well that's a tough one really. I haven't lost it entirely but it's lessened. It is truly amazing how often people ask when we are going to have a second child. I certainly know better than to plan and anyway we are more than happy with our girl. It's still a shock that we have her at all!

Anyway, it's going great. Motherhood is harder than I expected but it's as wonderful as I had imagined!

A little girl in our world.

2007-04-29T17:00:00.000+09:30

Right I have started this post 3 times but each time I do not finish it because my baby needs me...MY BABY!!!!
Woo hoo!!
Our little girl arrived on the 5th of April. She is perfect in every way and has the good looks of her Daddy. Baby girl was 7 lbs 3 oz and 49 cm long. She weighs a little bit less than that now as she struggled to feed enough but we are almost back to the birth weight.
I am going to make this post quick and then write a more detailed one later when I have another pocket of time.
Here are a few quick things I have learnt about being a mum:
*The smell of your own baby is irresistible.
*The love you have for your baby and your partner after having a baby is large large large!
*Nothing and no one can prepare you for having a baby. Ditto for sleep deprivation.
*It doesn't matter for how long you want a baby or for what you put your self through to create one...all first time mums are equal. None of us know what we are doing!!!!
*No amount of reading will help you to feel confident about making the right decisions regarding your baby!
*People are soooooooo generous when you have a baby...food, presents, cards, visits. It's a very special time.
*Lots of things are not as important as they used to be and you quickly have to start caring for your own needs LAST!!! But personally I have never felt more at peace!

Anyway... all is going well. I must go as baby girl is getting impatient!

I just feel like writing this

2007-01-02T16:47:00.000+10:30

2006 is gone and as it passed us by Action Man and I had a moment. On new years eve, awaiting the count down while listening to Michael Franti at the Falls Festival, Action man took me in his arms and hugged me so tight. He said the stuff of dreams for me...that we have finally reached a point where everything looks like it might be great, that he can't believe that 2006 is nearly over and he is hugging me with a big belly and that he feels like he finally has his Betty back. A.M hasn't called me Betty for ages. It was the nickname he gave me when I learned to snowboard about 8 years ago. A female boarder was called a shred betty in those days. He called me Betty because he was proud of me for learnig something which I initially found scary and hard. Betty stuck and for a while many of our friends were used to my nickname. In the last few years Betty has slipped away for Action Man and he had to deal with some different parts of my personality that had never been revealed in the days of Bettydom.
I'm pleased to agree with A.M. I think Betty is back as well. She doesn't seem as stressed, little things don't get to her like they did, she is not so worried about the future and is able to go with the flow again. Betty isn't angry with her body any more and she feels so much better about her self worth, it's unbelievable.
Thankyou unborn baby of ours. You are not born yet but already you have bought so much to our lives.

Too Roo for now

2006-11-29T21:38:00.000+10:30

Something is stopping me from blogging and I can't quite put my finger on what it is.
It could be because my blog was read by someone I know and I feel that I can't write from the heart anymore. I'm having more trouble than I thought getting over it.
It might just be because I don't feel the need to blog anymore.
I'm not really sure.
Not a lot of people swing by anyway so I hope I am not letting too many people down.
I just thought I'd let you know that everythig is going really well. I have just had the morphology scan and everthing is great. We chose not to find out the sex of our baby. It was lovely to see babe flicking all over the place. My tummy is getting nice and round and tight. I'm not as tired but I wish I could get rid of this back pain.
I still haven't bought anything for the babe but lots of things keep coming my way which is handy.
I can't forget the difficult road I have been on. Although I am enjoying every minute of being pregnant I am struggling to let go of the pain and the resentment I feel towards having had a couple of very sad, difficult years. I feel like I still have a lot of work to do emotionally but I am starting to change.
I'm not sure that I'll write much for a while. I don't really know where I am going with this blog anymore.
I do keep reading your blogs though and I am always thinking of the progress of my bloggy sisters.
Take care.
Betty.

Steep Learning Curves

2006-10-29T20:40:00.000+10:30

This post is posted days after I wrote it because there was a bloggy problem!

I am watching the Aria awards and Youth Group are singing 'Forever Young' which always brings tears to my eyes because B and T played it at the service for their little son. Also it's just one of those songs that evokes emotion.

Here are some things no-one told me about being pregnant.
1) When your skin stretches it gets really really really itchy.
2) as do boobs. Itchy boobs are not nice. I have some big scratches on mine. Not from rampant sex but from scratching in the night!
3) That stretching stomach muscles can hurt like hell when just carrying out simple tasks like turning over in bed.
4) That chocolate can give you heart burn :(

Or maybe they just happen to me. Some how I doubt it!
I went to a sale of baby good items in a church hall on the weekend. I went with my friend and her baby girl. It was full of 2nd hand baby furniture, clothing, maternity wear and accessories. The hall was chock-a-block full of pregnant women and women with prams, kids and little babies. I saw one man!
It was an infertile woman's nightmare. I went weak at the knees at the sight of it all. I couldn't believe I was there.
I saw Action Man's nasty, ugly old cousins and they stared at my belly in disbelief. I think we may have forgotten to tell them. Whoops.
I bought some very nice, cheap maternity items but I'm not ready to purchase anything else. Another friend I saw there talked me into buying this travel bottle sterilizer thing for $5. I did because she told me it was invaluable. I dunno, it just looks like a lunch box. I don't know what anything is for. There is so much stuff, SURELY I don't need it! My friend also tried to talk me into buying this huge baby bag with a compartment for everything. I just can't imagine ever needing to take that much stuff anywhere with me. My friends laughed a knowing, wicked laugh to each other.
It was all a bit overwhelming I have to say. It was also a big moment for me! Fancy me being in that kind of environment without wanting to dissolve into tears and run from the room.

I read a couple of blogs tonight and some of the girls are having a really rough time. I just wish this didn't have to happen to people. Struggling to have a baby does horrible things to our confidence and our belief in ourselves as valuable people.....I wish I had a magic wand. If I did I would wave it like crazy.

Embracing the Bump

2006-10-20T16:31:00.000+09:30

This is a post some of my bloggy friends may not want to read. I remember only too well reading happy pregnant posts and feeling very sad for myself even though I was happy for my bloggy friends. If you are having a bad day best not read on...or read when you are feeling stronger. I don't mind. I've only just left that place myself.

This week I told some friends that we are pregnant. These girls are ones I walk with and I guess they have given up thinking that I will ever get pregnant although I know they have always wished it for me. We didn't often speak of my situation so it must have come as a shock when I told them I am indeed pregnant. I know it was a shock because they screamed and became teary while squeezing the life out of me with big hugs. It's a nice feeling. Actually it was a bloody awesome feeling!
One of the girls asked if it was o.k if she rang her sister in law to tell her the good news. The SIL is usually on our walk. Later after I was home my friend's brother rang to congratulate us. I couldn't believe how fast the news had spread. I gave it a couple of days but it only took an hour! It was bloody lovely.
This week some parents at my school have started to notice and to ask if I'm pregnant. (lucky I am am or they would be very embarrassed!) I have been trying to hide my bump at work because I'm not really ready to discuss it with parents. This week the bump has been a bit hard to hide and I have had to rush out and buy some bigger tops. Coming out has been O.K, particularly because it seems to be a gradual experience.
Tonight I am going out for tea with a couple of girlfriends and then to see The Devil Wears Prada. I have a new maternity top which is tight and stripy. I thought I might wait a couple of weeks before I wear it but tonight I have decided to embrace the bump. I have always wanted to wear a snug top over my pregnant tummy. A strange desire probably. Now I am finally doing it. Since my bump seems to be a big one at 13 weeks and 5 days I have decided I may as well make the most of it!
Watch out public, here comes my stripy bump!

It's a boy!

2006-10-13T19:43:00.000+09:30

But Lu and I missed the birth!! Here's what happened:
Em was in the first stage of labor all day.
Lu and I went to playgroup. It was interesting to be a participant. I vaguely knew a few of the other mothers. It's a Steiner school playgroup so a major part of it is sitting at the table together and sharing fruit and the bread (that somehow I ended up baking!) together. At the table I was asked the question which usually makes me want to run away very fast..."Do you have any children". I was able to say I had one on the way and everyone gushed over me. It was nice but for some reason I still felt like running away.
Hang on, how have I made this post about me?!
Then Lu and I went to the supermarket and came home to my house for lunch. We played a bit and collected snails from the garden. We visited my SIL and then we had a nap. Finally we heard from E and K. Nothing much had changed.
A friend called in and Lu entertained her. She ate lots more food and then Action Man came home from work.
K (Lu's dad) rang at 5.00 and said that the 2nd stage of labor had just begun but because it was going so slowly they had decided not to worry about Lu being there. My instructions were to bathe and feed Lu then bring her down at 7.00 p.m to kiss her mum and dad goodnight and put her to bed. Then I was to join in with the birth!
Lu played with A.M and had her bath and tea so I sent a message to K saying we were ready to come and were they ready for us.
No reply! Aaahhhh!
7.40pm K rang and said "it's a boy, get down here quick!" It seems Em raced through the rest of the birth.
Luckily I live two blocks away from E and K so we arrived in no time.
Lu and I got to see her baby brother as fresh as a daisy still attatched to his mother in the pool. It was amazing to see. K cut the cord and Lu poked her brother while Em delivered the placenta.
The midwives examined the placenta and gave as an educational tour of this most amazing organ. I didn't realize it was so strong. I was amazed.
I felt so honored to be in the room with this new life and with the woman who just delivered him from her belly. I left them to it and went home to bed, but I couldn't sleep because the whole thing had been so exciting.

Two Great Things

2006-10-11T06:15:00.000+09:30

Before I start...thanks for the support guys. I'm really sorry if I worried people with my absence.
Number 1: I had the 12 week scan yesterday. We saw our baby swimming around and kicking little arms and legs everywhere! We were so relieved. Everything is in place, size is good and Downe Syndrome risk is low. So now I need to get on with enjoying this pregnancy. Action man is finally talking as though we are really pregnant.
We told the family who used to live next door to us last night. K and B have 4 sons. The 6 year old informed me that I am going to get really fat like this (demonstated) and like I ate too many pies. He'd know I guess since he has 2 younger brothers! K gave me some of her maternity clothes she won't be needing again. Wow. They look a bit foriegn. I can't believe they are for me!

Great News Number 2: Em has gone into labour!!! I am having the day off work. My first task is to take 19 month old Lu to playgroup. Woo hoo! This will be the first time EVER I am going to play group without having to be in charge of it (Something us Kinder teachers have to take).
I'm not really prepared for what will follow today :0
Stay tuned!!

I'm Back

2006-10-01T09:21:00.000+09:30

I'm so sorry I haven't posted. I have been feeling a bit strange about posting and every time I went to do it I just didn't.
The person I wrote about ( not too many blogs ago) who read my blog contacted me and we spoke about it. I didn't feel angry but I did feel sorry that she had to read about me for so long without saying any thing. I've been left feeling like an open book, as though everything I have written is out there in an arena I wasn't prepared for. It has made me reluctant to write. But sod it, here I go!
I have also had a few issues with the remanants of my experiences with IVF. Before I became pregnant I had an appointment booked with a psychologist. I wanted to broach my feelings of inadequacy and how I felt like I didn't fit into my world anymore. The appointment had to be made miles in advance and so by the time it came I was about 7 weeks pregnant. I thought I didn't need to go anymore but then decided to just check myself out and attend anyway. It ended up being an exhausing experience. I basically cried and talked, cried and talked for an hour. The psychologist made lots of connections between things that happened in my childhood and the struggle I had been through. She said I was suffering a kind of post traumatic stress syndrome. I agreed with everything she said. I went away feeling really heavy and in shock because an enormous can of worms had been opened. What followed was 3 miserable days of questioning myself and three sleepless nights of churning over past events. It was all very strange and unexpected. What I learned was that finally getting what I want...Being pregnant...(not yet the child obviously!) didn't automatically turn off those negative thoughts and feelings that had plagued me throughout my infertility journey.
I wondered if I needed to do this to myself...To open up my book of life and analyze it all. I talked to my friend Em about it and she thought it was great and that maybe I could shed some stuff which will make me a happier pregnant person (I'm still expecting it to fail) and a better mum at the end of it. I have 5 more appointments and inbetween I have to keep a record of the times when I feel isolated, inadequate or like a failure. Fun!!!
Anyway I am o.k now and I do seem more calm about being pregnant as I enter my 11th week. I have been to two events that have involved sitting with all the women from my group of friends and all of their babies and have felt quite fine. Although I knew it all along I clearly see that it was me feeling inadequate when I was with them and not them making me feel inadequate. But not having any support from them added to my feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.

IVF brings up such bad memories for me that it's been another reason for my reluctance to blog. Blogging reminds me of what a battle being infertile was and how awful I felt for such a very long time.
I was very close to closing this page but then I read a message from a new reader who found support from reading my entire site. It was then that I realized how much support and comfort I gained from reading other blogs and that in many ways blogging kept me sane. I traveled along with the good and the sad stories of people who were struggling just like me but who also cared about my progress and helped me to continue.
So I'm not closing my blog. I'm going to continue because if I can offer comfort to at least one other person going through infertility issues then that's a pretty fantastic thing.

Yipee!!

2006-09-05T21:34:00.000+09:30

Yipee I am officially pregnant!!!
I am officially normal (just like every other pregnant woman now-if you forget about the baggage) and hopefully today was my last trip to Hobart for IVF...For a very long time!
One strong heartbeat. Two relieved parents to be.
I think the good Dr.B was also relieved. He looked really nervous. He said he picked up our file this morning and realised how big it had become. I bet he is glad to see the back of us, we haven't been great for his stats!
After the scan Dr.B gave us some photos of the blob and insisted that we took them to the clinic to show the nurses. We did this. I must say I couldn't wipe this stupid goofy grin off my face.
Action Man has renamed the little thing Thector which is a combination of Hector and Thelma. I'm not sure that that is a particulary cute or tasteful pet name but it will do!
Righto, I'm going back to my cloud nine (actually I need to go and sleep).
Thanks for your well wishes.
Yipee!

birthday bits

2006-09-03T18:08:00.000+09:30

My birthday was great. Friends who know that we are a little bit pregnant commented on how happy Action Man and I seemed. I felt relieved not to be having another birthday feeling inadequate. I did feel very happy.
We went out for tea with a few mates and had a luscious meal and then came back to our house to eat the fabulous chocolate mudcake Action man had made me. He covered it with a gazillion mini m&m s. He knows my love!! There hasn't been that many people in our house for ages. It's partly because we haven't felt that confident socially since IF hit, but also because we have half a house. The half a house thing didn't seem to bother anyone. The girls sat inside by the fire and ate cake while the boys looked over the extension outside ( an excuse to have a cigarette without getting in trouble from their wives!).
After cake some folk went home and others came out with us to see Eskimo Joe perform. They were awesome.
Friday I was dead tired. One of our friends stayed over on Fri night but I'm afraid that I was a boring Betty and went straight to sleep on the couch after I ate dinner. This early pregnancy stuff is tiring!
I have had a lovely weekend. Had a visit from our old neighbor's, the ones with 4 boys. The eldest boy made me a little cake for my birthday. It was nice to see them. I so wanted to tell Catherine our news but I restrained myself. That big IF and BUT is still there of course.
Last night I went to trivia night and my team won. I won a bottle of wine (will be put to use in the DISTANT future) and a creme brulee kit (put to use very soon!).
We visited some friends who just had a baby. Mum and Dad looked besotted and the baby girl was serene.
I did a little bit of work in the garden, against Action Man's wishes, but I had to stop because my back was getting sore so I fulfilled my pyromaniac fetishes by throwing bits of building scraps onto the fire A.M had lit. It was lovely to sit by!

So two days until the 6 week scan. I am fairly nervous but very hopeful. Getting pregnant is just one hurdle after another and this one feels major, but I guess they all are. I hope we get over this hurdle.

Rambling

2006-08-29T18:38:00.000+09:30

I did manage to rest on the weekend. I watched a dumb movie with Jennifer Aniston in it. I also watched Brokeback Mountain which was excellent and it made me cry.
My back was almost better but when I arrived home and so I decided to unload the car of not very heavy things (washing basket, bag, doona, etc) and hurt my back again. I went back to the pain I had before I went away.
Yesterday at work was very difficult and there was lots of things that I usually do with the kids that I couldn't do such as the constant bobbing up and down to work with children, P.E and our afternoon yoga session.
When I got home Action man convinced me that going swimming would help so I went for a gentle swim for about 45 mins. I felt no pain in the water. It was wonderful. Last night however, the pain was worse than ever and I was freaking out.
Today it is nearly gone!! Must be the swim. I feel almost normal!

7 days until the ultrasound to reveal non or viable pregnancy. I am starting to get a bit freaked out now. I heard of someone who just had their 6 week scan (was on IVF) only to discover that the embryo had implanted but had not survived. I guess this is fairly common. Bloody devastating though.
I will be 6 weeks on Thursday which is my birthday. I am very happy to be believing that I am pregnant for my birthday. My 31st, 32nd and 33rd were all sad markers of time spent trying to conceive and time spent grieving. I was not looking forward to my birthday this year either but now I am, and that is quite a special thing.
The scan is 5 days after my birthday so if it all goes pear shaped at least I can say I was pregnant for my birthday.
Of course I wouldn't say any of this to my fertile friends because they might think I was being a Negative Nancy or an Ungrateful Ursula. I can't expect them to understand that as much as I try to be positive and calm about this working for us I can't help feeling that gloom and grief are just around the corner. Gosh I hope they are not around the corner but sadly it wouldn't surprise me if they were.
Sorry for moaning.
It's going to be O.K.

Pain relief

2006-08-24T19:48:00.000+09:30

I am going away again to stay with Action man while he works. This is the last weekend he has to go away for a while. I like staying at the Ambulance House. It's very restful and I can sloth about watching DVD's. This is a good thing (and quite rare for me) as I have an awful back at the moment. My osteopath said that my back injury (which I got on the day I got my blood test) may have been caused by the stress my body was in in the week leading up to the result. Some kind of simple movement caused a muscle knot to occur. There was not much he could do due to the early pregnancy factor but he did put me on to this interesting site about healing pain and various other ailments through emotional freedom and positive thought. He said it might pay for me to work on the negative feelings that I have about my uterus (not doing it's thing previously and getting all those fibroids and endo and stuff). So I have printed it out (mammoth) to read over the weekend.
Perhaps I will make myself pain free as well a shiny, happy uterus!
I was happy to feel a little bit queasy this afternoon. I never thought feeling sick would make me feel so good!

This is how I feel:

2006-08-22T18:48:00.000+09:30

I have known that I am pregnant for 5 days and here are 5 things I am feeling:

1. Glad- not to be planning (stressing) what to do if the next cycle doesn't work.
2. Strange- not to be thinking about dates to start taking drugs and planning it around events in my life.
3. Content- when I believe this could be the end of one big struggle.
4. Scared- when I worry that other new struggles could come my way (I think I have been programmed now to believe I will struggle).
5. Amazed - that I finally feel entitled to dare open the pages of a pregnancy book to learn about the development of my baby.

My friend Jude often talks about living in the now, forgetting the troubles of the past and not being controlled by the worries of the future. Jude said right NOW is the best time for me to focus on the NOW. I think she could be spot on and that is what I am going to try my very best to do!

Quiety quietly

2006-08-19T11:52:00.000+09:30

I'm at my Mum and Dad's house having a very quiet little celebration so I'm using their computer. Mum is blabbing in my ear so I will be fast!
Action man and I are feeling very pleased with ourselves and fairly calm today but we are also aware of the fragility of the tiny life forming inside me. We have seen a bit of sadness amongst our friends and have read of stuggle in blog world so the last thing we want to do is assume we have this 'in the bag'.
Yesterday we told a few people our great news and it was such a joyful experience. We told some family and some close friends who have been with us all the way on this journey, who have dished out 1000 hugs and mopped up lake fulls of tears, but most importantly have always encouraged us to keep going. We feel that our story belongs almost as much to these people as it does to us. Other than telling these people we intend to keep our news quiet for a long time.

Unfortunately I need to write this bit on my blog and I must admit I find it sad to have to do so. For a long time now Action man and I have known that somebody who we know personally has been reading this blog. I won't go into how we know. It's quite disappointing that this person barely says hello to us when she sees us but feels it necessary to follow the details of our struggle in such a sneaky way. When all is said and done there have been bigger things to worry about and I really don't have control over who reads this which is on a public space anyway. But it is a shame that she does read it. This person isn't someone we would be telling of our pregnancy just yet.
Action Man and I both wish her up and coming birth of her baby girl to be a safe and happy event, but, we also hope that she honours our desire to keep this wonderful news of ours to herself because to us it is very special and very sacred.

BINGO!

2006-08-18T16:21:00.000+09:30

Yes! Yes! Yes! I have a small dose of that p word!
It was a debarcle. My clinic rang at lunch time. The office staff were out so someone else answered the phone on a hand held. She couldn't find me for ages but when she did we were OUT OF RANGE and I could hear my nice nursie trying to tell me the news but everything was crackling. So I ran to the office where the phone came from and shut the door. The nurse said "geez, are you ready yet cause I really want to tell you". The rest is a blur! I do remember that my beta thing is 172. I know nothing about betas, my nurse said it was medium. I spose thats o.k.
I didn't get any work done for the rest of the day.
Now I am heading out of town for the weekend to stay with Action Man who is working away. He has missed all this stuff so I need to go and give him a big hug.
Thanks for your well wishes chickie babes.
Breathe Betty Breathe!

2006-08-18T06:16:00.000+09:30

My heart has been beating a bit too fast in the last 24 hours!
Here's a picture: I'm off for a blood test. EEEEEEEeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Can you see it?

Those freaky pink lines

2006-08-16T06:37:00.000+09:30

I am driving myself CRAZY. I did the old pee on a stick before I'm supposed to routine. Yeah I know I'm crazy.
It all started because I had the smallest bit of blood on Sunday. I really thought it was all over but when there was still no more blood on Mon morning I POAS (as any mad woman tortured would do) and lo and behold there was a faint, but very visible pink line. I know I know it could just be the remainder of the hormones and it was just the day my period was due.
So I POAS again yesterday and it was a bit darker. And I got all excited, even though I did lots of bargaining with myself. Boobs very sore.
A.M agreed I should POAS today and nothing has changed. If anything the line is a little lighter that Tuesday but a bit darker than Monday. Boobs are very sore.
I still have today and tomorrow to get through.
You can see I have totally spun myself out and I.DO.NOT.RECOMMEND. POAS.BEFORE.THE.DUE.DATE!!!!

Filling in time

2006-08-13T18:46:00.000+09:30

This is where the kitchen is going in the extension. I put the deposit down on the new kitchen on Friday and am feeling really excited about it now, even though it won't be ready until the end of November -ish. That big hole in the wall is for some bifold doors.

Here's how I have spent this weekend ( a mere 2 days of the 2ww). I know I look very tough here with the builder's overalls and the nail gun but the truth is I nearly fall off the scaffold if I use it! My job was to hold planks of facia board while Action Man nailed them. Then I did lots of painting. Since this photo was taken (Saturday) I have painted it all in light coffee. I had a great day helping A.M. I love pottering around outside and being his lacky! Then we have lunch together and sometimes someone drops by for a cuppa. I 'd really love to be at home all the time and not at work!

This is the inside and outside view of the lounge and dining section of the extension. It is all open plan, the kitchen is around the corner (it's an L shape). More bifold doors are going into this big hole.

As you can see there is still so much to do!

Update on the wait: yesterday I did not have sore boobs at all and freaked out but A.M reminded me that it's just the drugs that make my boobs sore and it's not a real indication of anything. Last night I woke up to really really sore boobs and some cramping. Today my boobs have remained sore. There has been no cramping but a there was a small spot of blood and lunch time (none since). Period is due tomorrow.

I think I might be going insane.

7 days down, 7 to go

2006-08-11T19:16:00.000+09:30

It's been a busy week of work and I am looking forward to a sleep in tomorrow. I have been so weary since Hector and Thelma went in and my bowels have only just settled down since the debarcle of last week.
The Ben Lomond Decent was fun...and freezing. Action Man came 7th and managed to beat his brother who came 8th. Beating his brother, although in all friendliness, was a huge achievement for him as his brother is one of those natural athlete types who has amazing endurance and is 4 years younger. A.M trained hard and my BIL hardly did any training which just goes to show how hard he is to beat! My Bil was happy to stick with the story that he let Action Man win because it was his birthday. It was so cold on the mountain and I felt fairly sick that day. I think it was the left overs from my turbulent toilet time!

I'm not sure if I am experiencing any symptoms. My boobs are really bloody sore but I imagine it's just from the support drugs. I've been there before. I panic when I poke my boobs and feel nothing and then I'm so relieved when they are sore again. Warped. This 2ww messess with your mind alright. I have been bloated but not so much now. Just crampy and lots of odd little twinges that make me wonder. None of this is any different to any other time. I have no idea how I would feel if I was pregnant. The one and only time I was pregnant I had NO IDEA that I was.

So for now I'm just plodding along trying not to think of the devastation of this not working and trying so hard to be positive.
Come on Hector and Thelma, stay with me pleeeeeaaaaasssseeee (yes I am begging).
By the way; my SIL thought that Hector and Thelma were names that we had really chosen. Ha! And I thought she knew me well. She said that if I am pregnant I will have to use those names because they have good luck...oh dear!

The Lucky Two

2006-08-05T16:41:00.000+09:30

Here they are. Hector and Thelma. The only two who made it. A.M's guess was a bit out eh? I must admit to being a little shocked that there were none to freeze but I'm really not complaining, it is such a relief that we had a transfer. I think they look O.K. It's hard to know really because the good Dr.B and his nice nursies seem to always paint a positive picture. According to Dr.B the one at the bottom is the most well developed. The top one is lagging behind.
Only getting two is a shock for me because we rarely lost embryos at the 2 day stage. Perhaps this could be our problem. Maybe our embies do look lovely and strong at 2 days but decline rapidly after that and never make it to bastocyst. This does seem to be a fairly standard result from people I have spoken to, but I'm really not sure.
I have a good feeling about these little fellas.

Now on to something gross.
Last night, as you may be aware I was backed up beyond belief. Well, I think I overdosed on those laxative concoctions. At about 2 a.m I awoke feeling sick. I wrangled and writhed with my insides for an hour. After much grunting and groaning there was some action but it was just little rabbit poo type droppings. Aaah, there was no satisfaction. I fely sick and totally backed up still. 20 mins later the cramping started again...with a vengeance and after a major dizzy spell, serious sweating and some guttural moans I wrangled the remaining beast out.
Then I was left with explosions every 10 mins. All night.
Action Man was a bit supportive. Although he didn't get out of bed he did say "Betty you are doing well" every now and again. Humph.
It was an early start for us to get down to Hobart for our 9 a.m transfer (2 and half hour drive) and the squirts continued until we left. I was so concerned it would continue on the drive and even...at worst...at the clinic. Oh how disgusting that would be.
All was well but tonight I still feel sick. I hope Hector and Thelma are O.K down there.

tomorrow is my darling Action Man's birthday. What might an Action Man be doing on his birthday you may wonder? A triathalon of course. And not just an ordinary civilized triathalon, oh no. Action Man will be completing a 14km mountain bike ride, an 11km white water paddle and a 9km run. He's nuts! Seriously it's a great day and a wonderful thing for him to do with his brother and some mates. I'm happy to stick with the wives doing the support role thing. It's great to watch...and read a few dodgy mags...and do a little gossiping...and eat a bit of trash. Te...he...he...he

There's a rumble in the Jungle

2006-08-04T19:28:00.000+09:30

Sheesh girls I'm backed up.
Post pickup has resulted in terrible cramps and bruising, bloat beyond belief and constipation from hell!
Have had 2 lots of laxatives in the last 2 days and tonight I have tried some other stuff recommended from people at work. My tummy is rumbling and gurgling but nothing is happening. This morning I was in so much pain I was on all fours, growling with sweat coming off my forehead. Action Man thought I had lost my marbles! I want it out before the embies go in tomorrow. I think it's coming. Either that or I'll be up all night running to the loo!

Still crossing my fingers for some embies. Please be the right ones for me.
I just found out that two chicks I know have both achieved pregnancy through long battles with IVF. Their babies are due on the same day! It is comforting to know that it's working for someone.

I went to D's house to have afternoon tea with her and B and D's baby S. It was lovely but D told me she ran into an old friend of ours whose wife had just lost their first baby at 20 weeks. God that sucks. I haven't seen them for ages but feel so bad for them. It's not fair. I thought it was a rare thing to happen to folks.
Little Sam took away the blues with his happy gurgling!
I read a great book to my class yesterday. I did what all good teachers should never do...Read a book to a class that you have not read previously. Ooops. This book is called The Short But Very Happy Life Of Riley (cannot remember who wrote it, sorry). It is shortlisted to win the Book Week prize. The message in the book (it's a picture one) is all about the greed of people and that they are always wanting more than they need and are never happy with what they've got. It was comparing people (who are unhappy) with a rat (who is very happy). I was reading along thinking "wow this is a great message but way over these kids (Kindergarten) heads". I chose to perservere.
At the end of the story I threw caution to the wind and asked if anyone knew what message the book was trying to tell us. A little hand shot up and my boy said "it means you get what you get and you don't get upset". I was amazed...And very delighted! A pearl of a moment in the work of a teacher.

Wait for us little embies...your Mum and Dad are coming to get you.